Movies January

One of my tasks, a New Year’s resolution, was to watch more movies this year than I did last year, I managed two hundred and sixty movies last year most of those movies I’d seen several times before and occupy space, DVDs and blu-rays, on shelves in my home. I have a fairly large movie collection and I happily enjoy spending an entire day picking movies from the shelf as my means of entertainment, I’d turn into a couch potato if I could. It’s a dream I have.

My aim at the start of the year was to watch at least twenty movies every month but this month I only managed eighteen that’s because three movies, Unnatural, Wer and Last Shift, I started watching but stopped twenty minutes in, I give all movies watched at home twenty minutes if I’m not being entertained by goodness or over the top badness I stop, I can’t see the point watching anything I don’t like, or draw some entertainment value from. One of the many things I love about being a single fella is that I only watch movies and TV shows I want to watch it’s one of the reasons I wouldn’t give up being single. For anyone.

Of the eighteen movies I watched this month eight were new movies for me and none were watched at the pictures, there’s nothing out at the moment worth viewing at the cinema in my opinion. Those eight new movies were Dragon Inn an enjoyable Taiwanese wuxia movie and though the fight scenes weren’t very fast I still enjoyed it immensely. The movie has been re-made twice, as far as I’m aware, New Dragon Gate Inn starring Maggie Cheung and Flying Swords of Dragon Gate starring Jet Li, all three versions are very entertaining. If you’re a fan of the wuxia/kung-fu genre. American Ultra had an interesting premise but some daft character narratives. Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation was the most comedic of the movie series, I actually believe it was made as a comedy because surely an action movie can’t be that bad. Can it? The others were horror movies, The Visit; Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse; Wolfcop and Parasyte Part One I’ve mentioned them previously in another blog post except for He Never Died which was, for me, a great movie, it made me laugh out loud several times because the main character, the Biblical Cain, reminded me of my own anti-social tendencies.

All the other movies I’ve watched I’d seen before, several times, and they were Troll Hunter; Spider-Man 1 and 2; Prometheus; The Thing prequel; X-Men: Days of Future Past; Night of the Living Dead 1990; Mighty Joe Young the original; King Boxer (Five Fingers of Death); and Scott Pilgrim versus The World.

Of the above movies my favourites are Spider-Man 1 and 2, along with Superman 1 and 2 these movies are my favourite superhero movies. King Boxer and Scott Pilgrim versus The World were watched back to back via a British TV channel, Film4, while I was working a night shift at work. King Boxer is most excellent and Scott Pilgrim is one of my favourite movies.

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Overall my movie viewing so far this year has been okay, I’m going to try and watch as many kung-fu action movies as possible throughout February most of those earmarked by myself to be watched I already own but some are going to be acquired via Amazon after a big spending spree. As a happy geek/nerd/dork/dweeb/anorak/loser I do enjoy wasting a large, to me, amount of money on movies I know I’m going to enjoy.

A person’s life should be enjoyed, we’re only here once, as far as we know, and so a person’s life should be spent doing the things they enjoy as much as possible as long as that enjoyment doesn’t include the pain and suffering of other people or living things. I’ve always been happier on my own, even as a kid, and watching movies and TV box sets causes me immense joy, if I won enough cash, on the United Kingdom’s national lottery to quit work, I’d probably become a hermit because I’ve discovered, through experience, that ‘Hell is other people’. Which I believe is a quote from the philosopher, existentialist, Jean Paul Sartre, my own philosophical leanings, yearnings, seem to be very existentialist.

Existentialism seems, to me, extremely relevant to living in the twenty first century, the attitude we existentialists have of the world around us is one of confusion, bewilderment, befuddlement (thanks Dr Leonard Hofstadter) and meaningless, we derive meaning not via others, or other people’s long established beliefs, but via our own experiences we create our own reality instead of accepting the reality already created by others and promoted by the social structures seemingly imposed upon us. It’s a rejection of not thinking and an embrace of thinking for oneself. Or so I choose to believe.

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The X-Files: Season One

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With the return of The X-Files I’ve re-discovered something I love and not just the television series but all the conspiracy and paranormal stories that influence each episode and the mythos that runs throughout the entirety of the show. I feel re-invigorated, not that I needed re-invigorating, I’ve got to admit I’m pretty darn pleased with myself, my life, and everything right at the moment, happier than a pig in shit, happier than Larry, I have no idea if pigs are happy and who the hell is Larry?

To derive happiness from a television series to find perfect golden moments from a theme tune to be over the Moon about tales of conspiracies and the paranormal might be a condition of whatever psychosis I suffer from. I figure most of us have mental health issues it’s the price we pay for our comfortable lifestyle’s and living in this fake human world we call civilisation instead of living in the real world and living off the land in communities amongst people we love, trust and enjoy spending all day every day with.

But enough of truth. The purpose of this blog post is so I can share, and discuss, my favourite episodes from The X-Files season one.

My Favourite Episodes

Pilot: I assume the first episode is titled Pilot because it’s the pilot episode, but I could be wrong, the second episode of the first season would be better titled Pilot rather than Deep Throat but that’s just in my opinion.

When I originally watched this very first episode of The X-Files I can remember that it literally blew my socks off, they flew across the room and Ninja, my pet Doberman ate them, I wouldn’t have minded too much but I was (still am) poor and they were my only socks unable to afford another pair until pay day I was forced to tie newspaper to my feet before placing them inside a battered pair of Doc Martin’s.

The scene that caused such trauma in my poor little life was the moment Mulder and his new partner the sceptical Scully experienced a moment straight out of the UFO myth. The pair are driving along at night when the electronics in their car go crazy, Mulder notes the time on his watch, the car breaks down there’s a bright light from above and Mulder insists they’re missing time. The entire missing time part of the UFO mythos was first recorded by Betty and Barney Hill during their alleged abduction by aliens way back in 1961, or at least I think that was the first recorded story of missing time in relation to the UFO phenomenon. In British folklore encounters with Faerie Folk always led to people losing huge chunks of time but in those cases rather than minutes or hours missing years and decades vanished in a very short time.

Being a cynical dick I just can’t accept the things people tell me, the things I hear via the TV, or the things I read and in the case of the Betty and Barney Hill abduction I’m greatly sceptical of the so called Star Map the alien visitors showed Betty. It was a pull down map drawn on some kind of material, now why would an advanced alien species that can traverse vast, almost impossible, distances of outer space need a Star Map? It’s ridiculous. For one thing travelling from one star system to another would require a spacecraft to travel faster than the speed of light, navigation by stars would be plain daft, and today right now we stupid humans are leaving behind our reliance on paper, on books, we’re using personal phones, tablets, computers, satellite navigation to get out and about. We gave up centuries ago navigation by the stars to imagine aliens require Star Maps was something limited by the times in the Sixties no one, other than Futurists and science fiction writers, could imagine that computers and small handheld devices would feature so prominently in our societies it’s the lack of imagining on the part of believers that limits the fantastical in UFO and paranormal encounters such encounters seem to me bland, mundane and boring I consider the majority of them made up by people without much in the way of imagination.

Deep Throat: Is titled thus because it introduces a character who works for Shadowy parts of the United States government, we the viewer, and indeed Fox Mulder, don’t learn of his origins or who he is but we do find out, by his own admission or lies, that he has in the past executed survivors from crashed UFO’s and a decision was made in a secret meeting between the U.S. Russia France both Germany’s (this was before the Berlin Wall fell) and Britain that if and when alien spacecraft fall in their territories like minded men, from the military or intelligence services, should be selected to terminate any survivors. Governments can’t allow their slaves to have access to knowledge a well informed slave is dangerous a stupid slave easily manipulated and will believe in anything no matter how preposterous.

This episode is less about UFO’s being alien in origin than it is some UFO’s being military aircraft built using back engineered UFO technology. In the late Eighties and early Nineties on a crisp clear Winter’s night a person could find themselves looking up at the stars and see all kinds of strange flying vehicles zipping about my local area. In 1987 people in a nearby town, Kirkby-in-Ashfield, to my home, Mansfield, were woken by a loud explosion, those night owls already awake reported problems with their electrics. Something fell from the dark night sky blew out windows, smashed roof tops, and crashed, conveniently, in local woods. Further reports claimed that several objects crashed over a wide area from Mansfield to Blidworth to Kirkby to Huthwaite the official report was that out of a clear cloudless night a thunderbolt rained down from the heavens, unofficially eyewitness reports claim that a strange aircraft was zig-zagging over the Mansfield area performing all kinds of out of this world manoeuvres as this vehicle performed its manoeuvres two other fast moving objects approached and crashed into the first object causing it to splinter into several pieces and crash causing the damage people experienced to their homes.

Within hours the British military was on the scene, roads were cordoned off and something, or somethings, were removed from several wooded areas by military personnel and transported out of the area on flatbed trucks. It would seem my humble little home town area, a former mining community thanks to the evil Tory government led by the Witch Queen Margaret Thatcher, had its very own Roswell incident. Naturally this being Britain and not America no one cared, not even locals, life went on homes were repaired, beers were sunk, drugs imbibed and a lot of shagging, some of it inbred, has led to an increased population of twats throughout the entire area. Sigh! Twats giving birth to twats, someone should put an end to that.

Conduit: Is an episode about the abduction, by aliens, of a teenage girl and her pre-teen brother becoming a conduit for the aliens to communicate through. Due to Mulder’s uncanny experience when he was a youngster and the abduction by aliens, well maybe, of his sister this one case means a lot to the troubled F.B.I. agent.

It becomes clear in this episode that Mulder is suffering from some kind of trauma, related to the disappearance of his sister, this trauma has affected his judgement and his ability to operate in a world that doesn’t believe in UFO’s and government conspiracies. A smart non traumatised person would be able to bend the world to do his own bidding as he tries to find the truth but not Mulder instead he believes in everyone’s daft stories and he’s happy to tell the truth rather than lie even though lies could save lives.

Fallen Angel: In this episode Mulder, and sinister military operatives are on the hunt for an alien crashed in the wild areas of America. I’ve read, in books by Bill Bryson, that in some place in America, New Hampshire for example, a person can drive for hours and hours on some roads without coming across other traffic, or homes, or people and that people can go camping in woods and never be seen again, light aircraft crash in wild areas and not be recovered or seen from the air. The United States of America is a massive area vastly under populated especially in comparison to my home nation Britain that’s small and over populated.

The alien in this episode is a hostile creature more Predator than it is E.T.

E.B.E: This episode concerns itself with the shooting down of a UFO over Iraq by an Iraqi airforce pilot and the UFO crashes nearby a U.S. military base on the border of Iraq and Turkey, the survivor of the crash is then transported to the United States and across country in the back of one of those huge American trucks. Why it’s transported in such a way is beyond me, why not just airlift the E.B.E. from the Iraq/Turkey border straight to a base in the U.S.A.?

The truck is followed by aliens and by Mulder and Scully and Fox Mulder learns that alien survivors have been murdered by government forces since 1947. It should be a big deal finding out that aliens are alive and real visiting Earth and being murdered but by the next episode such a revelation has been happily ignored. I guess no matter how big a deal something is, an event, news story, personal experience life just doesn’t stop it just goes on and on and a person can either go with the flow or stop and feel sorry for themselves as they enter a world of depression, misery, alcoholism and drug addiction. And as everyone knows that’s no way to live a life.

Shapes: A werewolf story though with the Native American element it leans more towards being a Manitou story or a tale of skin walkers. A lot of U.S. drama eventually gets round to telling a story set in a Native American settlement I don’t know why this is so, maybe it’s some kind of apologetic note to the people who lived in the land long before Europeans arrived and ruined their lives forever.

In the first season I enjoyed the UFO related episodes more than I did the ‘Monster of the Week’ episodes only Shapes made my list because I do love werewolf stories. We have a few of our own here in the U.K. particularly in regards to an area of England referred to as Cannock Chase.

The Erlenmeyer Flask: In the first season we’re led to believe that when militaries shoot down alien space vehicles and there are alien survivors someone, or many someone’s, then execute the survivors. It’s both an awful and a great idea and in keeping with our natures as humans, we’re hardly renowned for our ability to get along with each other very well, other animal species we treat abhorrently, and I’m sure if we came across people from other worlds our first response would be to kill them, if it turned out too difficult to kill them we’d either pretend to befriend them until we found a way to kill ‘em or join them follow their lead invade other worlds and kill other peoples just so we could be on the winning side. We’re like the school yard bully, we bully those weaker than ourselves but if someone comes along stronger rather than stand up to them we join them.

This episode involves the use of alien DNA in creating human/alien hybrids. I’m not exactly sure how DNA works but I imagine if you spliced alien DNA into a human’s DNA you wouldn’t create a hybrid you’d probably just kill the poor sod being experimented upon.

This episode features the death of Deep Throat and in his dying breath he warns Dana Scully, “trust no one.”

At the very end of the episode we the viewer discover, via Fox Mulder, that the F.B.I. have closed the X-Files and thus the show finished on one really good season. Oh, wait no, I’ve just checked my big box set there are further seasons, how strange, I shall have to investigate further and maybe write a few posts in regards to such.

Kick-Ass

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‘Does everything have to be about money? Jesus, man, why do people want to be Paris Hilton and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?’

It is something I find odd, the obsession with money. Personally I earn enough from my minimum wage job to pay all my bills and have almost half my monthly wage left over to waste on anything I want booze, drugs, smokes, loose women, fast cars. Anything. But I don’t waste it, I don’t like cars, loose women I happily enjoy ignoring, smoking is stupid why pay to cause yourself bad health and perhaps a horrid death? And, drugs and alcohol aren’t a priority because I’m not clinically depressed or hate being alive enough to turn to drugs and alcohol to alleviate the pain or boredom of living.

Lucky me.

Lucky, lucky me.

But I guess life for a lot of people is about money, how much they earn, how much they’ve got and how much they spend on stuff they want and stuff they don’t want. I’m of the mind that people spend and spend and endlessly spend to make themselves feel good and to make others feel bad. Bragging rights. We are by our very natures a competitive animal and if we can seem to be better than family, friends and acquaintances then we can be pretty darn pleased with ourselves. Especially these days with social media sites as a new kind of drug we can make anyone believe we’re experiencing life in ways much better than they are. Jetting off around the world, buying really expensive consumer goods, eating at the fanciest restaurants, and generally living it up, living life to the max.

After all most people want to be winners hardly anyone wants to be a loser, or even considered to be a loser.

The Kick-Ass character, Dave Lizewski, is a loser, he’s Peter Parker but not even as smart he’s a teenage boy in love with comic books especially superhero comic books and especially Marvel superhero comics books. Not for him a quick smoke, blow job and shag behind the bike shed with the hottest girls in his school no Dave’s to be found in a comic book shop picking up his favourite titles and discussing with his friends story lines, plot holes and whether Galactus as a cloud in the second Fantastic Four movie sucked or not.

Dave Lizewski is me, and not just the teenage me but the always and forever until the day I breathe my last me. And, he’s even more pathetic, even more of a loser, pfft, obsessed with a girl, idiot, who needs girls when you’ve got comic books?

Who wouldn’t want to be Spider-Man? Seriously. He’s got the proportionate strength of a spider, can flip and spin through the air, and a warning system informs him of danger. He’s awesome, though his life does suck. You’d want his powers but not he’s bad luck. I’d sooner be Spider-Man rather than being Paris Hilton, mostly because being Paris Hilton means I’d have to give up having a penis and go get a pair of titties and a vagina, seems like hard work and expensive I’d sooner be fictional.

A better example for Dave Lizewski to use, via Mark Millar, would be Will Smith or insert famous male person here. I confess when it comes to the famous, to celebs constantly in the public eye I have no idea of who they are. The Kardashians? I always think of the Cardassians from Star Trek when I hear their surname, and I have no idea who any of them are, if they were to walk past me in the street I’d be oblivious to their existences and more interested in my feet and the music on my iPod.

The world seems so empty and shallow obsessively focussed as it is on the lives of the rich and famous, and not even those famous for being talented in some arena but also those famous for being slutty or violent or any number of negative attributes and personality traits. It’s an odd world.

Within the early issues of the Kick-Ass comic book events make a kind of sense there’s a dorky looking loser teenage boy who can’t get laid so out of loneliness and desperation he buggers up his father’s life by attempting to become the world’s first costumed hero. On his very first crime intervention he gets his ass kicked, discovering his superhero name, stabbed in the abdomen and run over by two ladies not paying attention to the world outside the car’s windscreen because the world inside the car, a world of ME ME ME, is far more interesting to them.

In the comic book Dave Lizewski is a skinny average looking boy not one hot teenage girl will give him a second look, other than in mockery, but in the movie he’s played by Aaron Johnson a twenty something Hollywood actor and because of the way Hollywood works with it’s obsession with shallowness and looks Johnson is hardly skinny enough or average looking enough to be Dave Lizewski. Also, before the introduction of Hit-Girl the comic book is asking of its readers an interesting question and trying to answer it the best way it can but then along comes a little girl who trained by her comic book geek father is the world’s most badass little girl capable of out fighting adult males, in the movie she seems to be actually super powered able to run up walls and dodge bullets, but that’s the movies for you.

Shit!

Most of the time.

I’m not a fan of Mark Millar’s writing his heroes tend to be unlikable assholes and he, the writer, happily glorifies crime, all his comics tend to be very shallow and feel like movie yuppies I’ll try and explain further. In the movie Robocop there’s a yuppie character the head of the OCP Robocop project and in Die Hard there’s the yuppie character who pretends John McClane is his best buddy Mark Millar comic books remind of those characters and others like them.

I have tried to enjoy Kick-Ass, the comic books not the movie, on several occasions but I can’t.

 

I Still Want To Believe

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Arriving home from work this afternoon I had one of those perfect moments. I realised I’d not had anything to drink all day, 05:30 to 15:30, so I settled down into a chair with a mug of Green Tea and then I introduced myself to a new episode of The X-Files, episode two, with mug in hand and the theme tune and opening credits of The X-Files playing on my MacBook I looked up from the screen and out into my home and realised everything was perfect, I had a beverage and an iconic opening scene to a television series.

It was golden.

The day before today, which I believe was a Monday, I watched and enjoyed the first new episode of The X-Files and then went and bought the box set from a local HMV and as I compose this post I’m watching the very first episode of The X-Files via my PS4 on the big screen TV.

I can honestly admit to being in love with The X-Files, I don’t care if it’s bad, I’m blind to it’s badness I’m just happier than a pig in shit to be watching new episodes of a show I loved as a far younger adult male.

It’s perfect moments like this that make life worthwhile simple easy nothing to trouble me and me not causing anyone else trouble as a television series about the paranormal and supernatural unfolds naturally episode after episode bringing me great joy and much happiness.

Everyone needs something to make them happy I’m quite lucky I achieve happiness via TV box sets.

January Horror

If one was to believe the media then January is a month of horrors the after effects of X-Mas and New Year, the collateral damage of having spent much of December in the company of family and friends, the fallout of all that X-Mas expenditure, Fimbulwinter type weather conditions, and everyone, supposedly, a little more stressed and depressed than normal.

I guess for some, most, of us however the media’s version of January Horrors holds no sway with us so we, well I, create my own horrors in the form of a horror movie fest starting with:

THE VISIT

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Now I’m no fan of M. Night Shyamalan movies I figured out Bruce Willis’ character was dead in Sixth Sense, shot to death and then meeting a kid that can see dead people come on it was plainly obvious. Signs is just dreadful. Unbreakable I liked but I’ve only seen it the once, and the rest of his movie output I haven’t seen.

The trailer to The Visit piqued my interest but at the beginning of the actual movie, when the kids eventually meet their grandparents I was already certain there was something very wrong with their grandma, she looked crazy, if I’d been one of those kids I would have run away, to be found later molested and murdered, hey this is the 21st century how often does a missing kid story end well?

The Visit is one of those found footage types, I’m no fan of such movies I find them illogical, wouldn’t you, as the camera person, just throw the camera during the most extreme and severe of situations and run for your life shitting your pants along the way? I know I would. I also feel that found footage is cheating, it’s cheating the audience of story and a movie. But that’s just my opinion.

The reason behind all this point and click movie making is due to the fact the little girl character is a budding documentary film maker and she’s trying to help her mother, estranged from her own parents for over fifteen years, by filming her grandparents in their natural habitat.

Grandparents who might be A) old folk with some serious mental health issues or B) escaped murderous mental patients who have killed and perhaps eaten the real grandparents. Though the kids themselves have issues, perhaps all kids do these days, the little girl can’t look at herself in reflections and the little boy as issues with germs though seems happy enough crawling about underneath houses.

Though I had lots of issues with this movie, plot, story content, nothing making much sense I will admit overall it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen but I wouldn’t recommend anyone watch it.

SCOUTS GUIDE TO THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

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Now this movie should be more to my liking I love the idea of a zombie apocalypse. Why? Because I’d like to see ignorant arrogant humans knocked down a peg or two and what better way than being eaten alive by our (un)dead loved ones.

Usually the zombie virus is blamed on governments and the U.S. military bad enough that our governments are greedy, corrupt lackeys of big corporations hellbent on placing money before people. Here in Great Britain (Great meaning greater as a greater geographical area rather than ‘oh fuck look at how awesome we are’) the government of my home nation, the evil Tories, have it in mind to impose an American style healthcare service on us poor Brits and with the looming aggressive life threatening TTIP a reality the British healthcare service is going to go from available to everyone to only available to those who can afford health insurance and the medical bills that come with treatment. The reason why successive British governments, evil Tories and fake Labour, HATE the National Health Service is because the NHS doesn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t make a profit and my government is all about profit all hail their god money, money, money.

Why the hell healthcare is supposed to be profitable is beyond my understanding instead of profit driven healthcare everyone should enjoy people focussed healthcare. I guess in an insane world profits before people’s lives would make sense but this is a sane world. Oh, wait, my bad.

Anyway, a zombie apocalypse being scientific in origin makes no sense, to me, but a supernatural origin makes all kinds of sense. Disembodied demons, evil spirits, possessing the physical bodies of dead people makes a lot of sense and instead of relying on Rick Grimes to save our sorry asses we need Doc’ Fate (I could have used Marvel’s Doc’ Strange as an example but fuck Marvel I’ve always preferred DC).

One of the many weird things about watching American movies are the differences in culture kids in Britain aren’t allowed to drive not that they’d be able to afford to do so if they were allowed we Brits aren’t as wealthy as our American counterparts and goods, motor vehicles for example, aren’t as cheap.

Also we don’t have access to firearms, at all, that’s not always been the case back before the Hungerford massacre firearms were available to members of the public via a licensing law but in 1987 a chap, Michael Ryan, who had legal right to own firearms went a little crazy and shot to death using handguns and semi-automatic rifles sixteen people the awesome, whoops I meant fucking awful, British tabloid press blamed the Sylvester Stallone movie Rambo, though there was no evidence Michael Ryan had ever seen the movie. Ah, the good old British tabloid newspapers not worth the paper they’re printed on featuring zero news worthy items and better off as fish and chip wrappers.

Though we have an English Bill of Rights, admired greatly by the men who created the American, and we the English had a right to bear arms it’s been largely replaced with the more sensible option of no right to bear arms. After the Hungerford massacre the then British government, evil Tories, banned semi-automatic rifles the government didn’t want subjects of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II shooting and killing each other the government already had a policy of killing British people and didn’t need any help thank you very much.

Not that the firearms ban prevented men losing their reason and shooting a bunch of people in 1989 Robert Sartin took a double barrelled shotgun and killed one person and wounded an additional fourteen, in 1996 at a school in Dunblane Scotland a local man Thomas Hamilton with legally obtained handguns entered the school and shot dead sixteen children and one teacher all but one of the children killed were five years old the other victim being six.

The British government then banned handguns, it might have prevented such an incident if the government had banned handguns back in 1987.

It might also have prevented the 2010 Cumbria massacre if shotguns had also been banned and raids carried out on everyone with legally owned firearms, Derrick Bird killed twelve people and injured eleven others with a shotgun and a .22 calibre bolt action rifle.

In America there were over a thousand mass shootings, incidents involving four or more victims, in 2015 alone here in Britain there hasn’t been a mass shooting since 2010 we have gun control America doesn’t. Both nations are vastly different in many ways and I doubt gun control would work in America not that there’s ever going to be a chance to try it out people’s lives don’t matter, I think that’s well established in every nation, made up fictional conjured forth from someone’s noggin ideas and beliefs matter way more, political aspirations of insane men and women matter more than people’s lives, and money matters more than anything.

Researching British gun massacres and the Dunblane massacre in particular made me a little sick, and I felt a little more hate for my home nation, but then I researched gun massacres in America, already aware there had been a lot last year, I used this news item: http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/ng-interactive/2015/oct/02/mass-shootings-america-gun-violence for my research purposes and focussed on Texas, why Texas? Because you can fit the whole of the U.K. in Texas twice and still have a big chunk of land left over and yet the U.K. as a population of between sixty and seventy million Texas less than thirty million. Last year, according to the article, Texas suffered fifty two gun massacres the U.K. zero with a larger population and gun control in the form of an outright ban, it’s even illegal to buy in Britain and own Airsoft firearms that look like real firearms. Of those fifty two Texan gun massacres some one hundred and eighty seven people were injured and one hundred and eight killed.

I think I’ve already mentioned that you can’t really compare America and Britain one is a small overcrowded nation with laws preventing the Queen’s subjects getting their filthy drunken paws on firearms and the other is a vast nation with loads of land and space with laws that allow it’s citizens to shoot and kill each other. Yeah I’m being flippant.

But seriously for a moment I have an idea to solve Britain’s problems, and maybe the problems Texans don’t enjoy, we swap places, everyone in Britain buggers off to Texas, it would solve all our problems which are too many people not enough space, and maybe Texas’ problems are not enough people too big a space a swap could work out ideal, Texans would be an independent nation free of the Federal government, and Britain could replace Texas as a brand new state but still keeping within the current fifty limit many Brits would be happy, they’d sooner be American anyway they already dress like Americans, we could still retain our gun control laws, having never experienced gun ownership and the NHS could be done away with making the evil Tories happy. Sorted.

Anyhow this is, or was, a movie review and there might be a review in all this drivel somewhere.

Onwards.

Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse was supposed to be discussed. The movie features three main characters, friends, all three are scouts two consider this uncool and wish they were part of the cool kids clique one scout is a nice guy, one a motormouth jerk and the third your typical fat movie kid the trio go out into the big dark woods while their hometown experiences a localised zombie apocalypse.

These three scouts are identified within the movie as losers our entertainment needs assure us that being a loser kinda sucks and that all losers just want to be cool. This is a lie, I am a loser, I’ve always been a loser I plan on being a loser until the day I die if I were to win the jackpot on the National Lottery, a ridiculous amount let’s say fifty million, I’d still be a loser I’d just be a fucking rich loser my life would barely change and my attitude sure as hell wouldn’t. I know cool kids, you know the type all looks no substance I’ve never been inspired by them, nothing they do seems aspirational they’re shit people, they’re unfriendly, everything’s about them, the Universe revolves around their wants and needs, they treat people poorly, talk to people like they’re shit, share the most personal of moments with absolute strangers, always experience a huge amount of drama, have a dozen or more broken/failed relationships some include abandoned and unwanted kids, and they are without a doubt toxic people they leave chaos and misery in their wake and are only interested in one thing THEMSELVES.

When I said there was a movie review featured somewhere in all this drivel. I lied.

UNNATURAL

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I’m going to try and write a proper movie review this time. I’ve read a bunch of reviews in a few movie magazines, for inspiration, so no rambling, no politics, no social commentary.

Unnatural is directed by Hank Braxton and stars James Remar, Ajax in The Warriors, the story unfolds in a world much like our own blighted by global climate change, a world in which big corporations are trying to take advantage of Man’s hopes and fears. Set in a frozen environment, Alaska, two models a photographer and his assistant venture into this wilderness for a photo shoot at the same time, and nearby, a genetically altered bear breaks loose from the laboratory in which it has been created.

Within minutes of watching this movie I wished I hadn’t and unable to stomach more than twenty minutes I switched it off and moved on to:

WOLFCOP

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Wolfcop is a bad cop in a redneck town that’s celebrating Drink N’ Shoot the cop’s name is Lou Garou, I know sigh, and Drink N’ Shoot seems like a ton of fun basically you get blind drunk stagger out into the woods shoot and kill a defenceless animal, or another drunken hunter, fuck or rape the poor girls of the town and then jump into your pickup and drive home well and truly sated.

From my own British perspective it is truly odd watching American movies especially those that occur in small town America people with too much time on their hands and access to a lot of booze and far too many firearms. The equivalent here in Britain would be a place like my hometown a former mining community with a large population of the unemployed plenty of places to drink booze very little in the way of education cheap pound shops and pasty fast food joints. The main difference is of course no guns. Britain could be like America but instead we’re America’s very elderly parents who also happen to be brother and sister. Hmm, I might have a t-shirt made ‘Great Britain is America’s elderly parents who were also brother and sister’ I doubt anyone else has anything similar.

The werewolf transformation scenes in this movie are pretty good though the first scene involves Lou Garou’s penis it was the second time today I had seen another man’s penis the first in the movie Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse. I don’t like penis, I like my own it serves a useful purpose but every other cock on the planet I really don’t like. Cock, it’s just not my thing.

Woodhaven, the town featured in the movie, is a town of many secrets there’s something not right about the woman, Jessica, who owns the town’s only bar, Tooth and Nail, people have been disappearing from the town for years, decades, there’s a sinister criminal biker gang, and a weird occult fraternity who might be shapeshifters.

Wolfcop’s first actions as a superhero werewolf cop occurs at Liquor Do-Nuts: What More Could You Ask For? Wolfcop kicks ass, well he rends bad guys asunder while also toting a gun. In one night Wolfcop puts an end to a Woodhaven robbery crime spree, pimps his car, pisses on two teen graffiti artists, and puts the beat down on the biker gang accidentally exploding their meth lab.

Overall it’s an okay(ish) movie.

PARASYTE PART ONE

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A live action version of the Japanese comic book one of my favourite Japanese comic book series the movie begins with the idea that we humans are parasites that we are sucking this planet dry of life. Indeed I’ve read that if insects suddenly went extinct humans would be dead within fifty years but if all humans suddenly dropped dead all life on the planet would flourish. I don’t know for sure if that’s true but I like the idea regardless.

The SFX, especially of a bloke’s head going all The Thing and eating his wife, are really awesome the story concept is this: weird alien creatures from beyond space infiltrate the populations of our planet these little creatures are meant to merge with a hosts brain but for young Shinichi Izumi the brain parasite ends up taking over his right hand and lower arm.

It’s a fascinating idea ably pulled off in the movie it’s not as gory as the Manga but it does have a few moments of violence and gore.

Of all the movies I watched today this was easily the best.

New X-Files: Episode One

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To make claim I once loved The X-Files would be an understatement I bought and proudly/happily wore the t-shirts I bought and happily read the books and comic books. I was obsessed, not just with The X-Files but with all kinds of weird conspiracies Octopus, Alternative 3, the Aviary, New World Order, HAARP, you name it I was obsessed with it.

I’ve not watched the entirety of The X-Files, thanks to Sky, over here in good old Blighty (cold, mean spirited England) The X-Files made its debut on satellite TV, Sky One, a company partly owned by Rupert Murdoch, I’ve always had a great dislike of Murdoch but I paid for Sky because I craved movies and the footie, yeah once upon a time I lived breathed football (soccer) before money ruined the game for me.

Unfortunately Sky was/is a robber baron fees constantly increased expectations of paying an extra fee for special events I originally bought the basic Sky package and back in the Nineties this included movies and the sports channel but then some whiz kid at Sky brainstormed this brilliant idea of increasing fees and separating the movie and sports channels from the basic package deal and right then and there I cancelled my subscription and bye bye The X-Files. Yup, I’m a funny fucker if I think I’m having the piss taken out of me I’ll happily cut off my nose to spite my face.

But enough of my rambling nonsense, although I’m sure there will be more before the end of this post, onwards to the new X-Files.

The episode begins with a Mulder voiceover and a series of photos, still images from moments of the old series this advances forward to a bunch of UFO history and by the GODS I had forgot how much I love this UFO conspiracy nonsense, I used to live breathe conspiracy theories and tales of the paranormal and supernatural, but then I became a cynical little shit.

But The Truth Is Out There.

The mystery of this episode starts in 1947 with a shot down alien spacecraft and a Man In Black and from there we the viewer are re-introduced to Dana Scully, now looking oddly sculpted, and Fox Mulder, who looks dragged through a hedge backwards, they’re drawn back into the X-Files by a TV conspiracy nut job a truth seeker.

It’s a good looking episode of a new/old TV show it was probably expensive kids escaping war torn Syria need medicine, food, water, shelter, security but Hell no to that let’s waste millions of dollars on a pointless piece of entertainment, sigh the world, backwards, upside down and completely insane.

I’ve read, somewhere, that Gillian Anderson was paid less for this new series than her co-star David Duchovny, sometimes it doesn’t pay to have tits and a pussy. The world is like an amusement park if you’re a white male but kinda sucks for everyone else especially if you’re a black actor/actress in Hollywood and even more so if you’re a woman anywhere in the world and in any walk of life. And kids, jeez, I’m glad I’m a Seventies/Eighties kid who’d want to be a kid these days? Heavily medicated, addicted to electronic devices and social media, incapable of spelling the most basic of words correctly, and doomed to inherit a world that’s going to fuck them in the ass. Chauffeured to school, and everywhere else, and if they go outside a gust of wind causes their eyes to fall out of their heads.

Off an a tangent for a moment. The black actor/actress controversy. Is it racism? Well bigotry, because there’s only one race baby, the human race, but I guess because we’re told so often we’re all separated by race due to different skin shade, slight physical and biological differences, and areas of birth parentage yada yada yada that we are then one human species divided into a variety of races that are treated differently just because a minority of white people have decided so. Sheesh non-white people kill those pale skinned fuckers and start applying logic, reason and rational ideas to the world you’ll inherit, and be fucked in the ass by. But seriously, I get Hollywood it’s run, owned, ruled by white males, white males write the movies, poorly/incompetently but still, and a lot of white males find it impossible to write non-white male characters because they don’t understand them, their brains short circuit when they’re creating origins for such characters and dialogue eludes them, they fail to understand that everyone, everywhere is pretty much the same regardless of place of birth, shade of skin, gender, we all want the same things love, friends, money, food, water, alcohol, drugs, and right at this moment, and even though it’s not yet 08:30, pizza.

One of the plainly odd things I find about the fiction I love, especially science fiction, is how everyone, just about, is white and male, what happened in the future? All the women died? Non-white people stopped procreating? Because based upon the world’s present demographics white people in the future are going to be a minority, they already are now on a global scale, but typically white nations, the United States for example, is destined, or so I’ve been led to believe, to be Hispanic.

Back on topic.

This new episode of The X-Files (remember this is the point of this blog post) makes mention of many well known conspiracy themes zero point energy and element 115, alien abductions, harvesting abductees babies, alien implants, the destruction of the World Trade Centre, the U.S. government/military conspiring against the American people. Don’t all governments, and monarchies, conspire against the people they rule? That’s what we are, ruled people, the general public is ruled by wealthy white males who strive, not very hard, to deny us freedom, because none of us are free, we the little people, the plebeians, the peasants are slaves to systems and ideas created by wealthy white dudes naturally some of us have more freedom than others but that freedom is mostly just an illusion/delusion.

Within the new X-Files episode Mulder says, “we’ve never been in more danger”, he’s referring to the general public but if we’re lab rats, like this episode implies, then how can we be in danger? Lab rats by their very nature are born to be treated poorly, to be experimented upon, manipulated and killed but because we can think we believe ourselves to be special, because let’s be honest as an animal species we’ve sure got a high opinion of ourselves, we truly believe that we are special though all the evidence suggests otherwise but this egotistical belief results in us bemoaning the fact we’re treated anything but special our lives thrown into chaos mostly due to the fact we’ve not got enough money to waste on crap we don’t need.

But anyway, all the conspiracy theories of right wing second amendment rights Americans is featured within this one episode, I fail to understand why anyone holds a made up fictional right so firmly it’s not in the original Constitution, it’s an amendment not the first but the second you’d think Americans would be banging on and on and on about the actual Constitution before it started being interfered with, in fact I’ve found something way more interesting and important than the right to bear arms for all Americans to bang on and on and on about and here goes:

‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.’

Wow, that’s some powerful stuff. Naturally, being an Atheist, I edited out the part about the Creator, fuck the Creator he’s fictional, a horrible character in an unpleasant book, though the New Testament’s got some important lessons to impart the Old is mostly murder and basic fucking up of people, who but the most insane can find inspiration in that?

But yeah second amendment conspiracy nut job theories spills out across my computer screen, it’s all about the takeover of America by a small wealthy elite, but, and forgive me for once again writing nonsense and not focussing upon the subject matter, why would a small group of elitists want to take over America, and then the entire world? America was created by a small group of elitists the only way right wing second amendment rights conspiracy theories could possibly be true is if there’s a new group of wealthy elitists determined to wrestle America away from the old group. Wouldn’t that be great? If all the world’s problems, all the conflicts and arguments resulted in our leaders/rulers wrestling it out WWE style one big Royal Rumble winner takes all. I’d pay Sky to watch that.

Empires, Republics, states, democracies, tyrannies have always been owned ruled run (ruined) by an elite. Kings and Queens, Emperors and Pharaohs, the most privileged of people, usually extremely wealthy, have always ruled everyone poorer than themselves I can’t, for the life of me, think of any nation throughout human history that was governed by the majority the human world has never worked like that.

Anyhow time to finish this ramble, the new episode of The X-Files received some negative reviews but I liked it, but then I’ve always been a conspiracy nut job and all this convoluted mess and nonsense appeals to my interests. The final scene features The Smoking Man sucking in tobacco from the cancer hole in his throat. Inspired by Bill Hicks?

I sure hope so.

 

I Love Horror Movies

I’ve always loved horror movies, as a kid growing up in the Seventies and Eighties the biggest influences on my life were American superhero comic books, 2000 A.D. (a weekly British comic), kung-fu movies and horror movies. For a large part of my childhood, and teenage years, I lived breathed horror movies in the same way people claim they live breathe the sports they’re obsessed with.

I’m no fan of all types of horror movies though, any featuring torture or a human monster don’t interest me, unless the human monster is in someway supernatural. Real life fucking sucks and I don’t need it intruding in my escapes from reality. Sure I know some people think real life is AWESOME and isn’t it great we’re all having so much fucking fun until I turn on the news and see that forty refugees fleeing real life horror drowned off the coast of Turkey and at least half of those drowned were kids. Yeah, right? Fuck real life.

For the best part of the twenty first century I turned my back on horror movies because I found I no longer enjoyed watching monsters, bad acting, great/poor visual effects, buckets of blood and fantastical imaginary tales that make you wish you didn’t have to go to the toilet in the dark of night.

But for the past year, and a bit, I’ve found renewed interest in horror movies, due to my place of employment I often find myself working night shifts and seeking entertainment on the Horror Channel, which is a piss poor channel offering very little in the way of decent horror movies but the channel inspired me to seek out reviews, usually in the form of AICN Horror, make a note of the movies with the best reviews and then go buy them on DVD or Blu-Ray.

Naturally some of those favourably reviewed movies turned out to stink but some were worthy of my time and sated my renewed horror needs. At the start of this year, and also last, I made a long list of movies to watch when I’ve got some time to kill, to bloody hack to death with a hatchet or better yet a machete. Being firmly stood well outside of mainstream culture, I don’t (often) drink alcohol, do drugs, smoke, have dramas, share my personal life, like social interaction, use mobile phones, watch soaps and reality TV, adore tattoos, visit McDonalds or other similar fast food joints. My interests lie in the realms of comic books, fantasy, science fiction, horror and kung-fu entertainment and for that reason when I meet people who share some, or all, of my interests I make sure I stick to them otherwise I’d have to turn a old sock into a puppet so I’d have someone to talk to, or alternatively write way more blog posts.

Now my choice to create lists makes me a little weird, get a fucking life and all that jazz, but it’s how I live, how I’ve always lived, how I want to live, so no thanks, life fuck it. Naturally not all movies on the list are of a horror nature but there’s a bloody long list of such movies and here’s a comprehensive list of the movies I’ll be tracking down, buying and watching throughout the year, hey it makes for a blog post pointless though this one (and all mine are) is.

The Horror List:

An American Terror

We Are Still Here

From The Dark

The Town That Dreaded Sundown

Dark Was The Night

Last Shift

Science Team

Wer

Wyrmwood

They Look Like People

Containment

All Cheerleaders Die

Parasyte Part One and Two

These Final Hours

Final Girl

Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse

The Door

The Visit

Suspension

Found

Headless

Wendigo

He Never Died

Indigenous

Judas Ghost

Krampus

Inner Demon

Lumberjack Man

The Incident

Similars

Backwater

Condemned

Bastard

Stung

Some Kind Of Hate

Unnatural

The Last Buck Hunt

Crimson Peak

Clinger

The Hexecutioners

The Inhabitants

Patchwork

Wolfcop

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I’m looking forward to each movie and hopefully most of them will keep me entertained especially during cold dark nights stuck at work when all is awesomely silent and I’m left alone with my own twisted imagination as my only companion.

I Don’t Watch TV

Being British and living on my own requires of me to pay an annual licence fee, you can find yourself in bother if you don’t, it’s over one hundred pounds a year for this licence fee and yet I don’t actually watch television because there’s very little or nothing on TV for me. Next licence fee payment I might try and weasel my way out of paying by informing the authorities I don’t use the service I’m paying for.

If there were television programmes I found interesting on TV I’d watch all the time becoming one with couch. I like the idea of being a couch potato but I don’t have the time, or anything worth watching, to force me into pursuing.

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At work on night shifts I tend to watch TV there’s always plenty of ironing to complete when one supports the needs of five young people with Learning Disabilities. Watching DVDs is out of the question the cheap DVD player at work tends not to play my discs and I’m stuck with staring at TV while ironing for hours and hours. Last night I watched Night of the Living Dead the 1990 remake directed by Tom Savini, I also ended up watching Most Haunted, a television series of a paranormal nature. Lots of people are Most Haunted addicts and firmly believe that ghosts and other supernatural beasties really exist. I’ll admit I’m very sceptical about such things even though I’ve had experiences that could be considered of a supernatural or paranormal nature.

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DCI ID: MOSTHAUNTED002_l Description: Most Haunted Team, Karl, Ciaram, Yvette, David, Ian and Richard. Rights Notes: For Show Promotion Only Credit: Travel Channel

As a teenager I have a vivid memory of walking home from my nearest large town, with a friend, we’d been shopping for Dungeons and Dragons figures, paints and computer magazines, Spectrum and Amstrad. We strolled through a small wooded area, an area we were both familiar with having spent a lot of time exploring the place and larking about like teenage boys do, nothing weird or sexual in nature just swinging over streams on poorly constructed rope swings and then falling to our deaths when the rope came lose or snapped.

On this particular day as the twilight hours slowly began I noticed at the top of a hill, well above the narrow path we were walking, a tall impossibly thin shadow of a man peering at us from behind a tree, suddenly and unnaturally fast this shadow began speeding from tree to tree down towards us on the path, I alerted my friend and upon seeing the strange figure he made a mad dash for the exit of the small wooded area with myself following not far behind. On reflection we could have easily ran down to the stream through the water and out the other side we would have been in the open far quicker and not have expended so much energy running from something that probably only existed in both our imaginations.

As a young man in my twenties I have a memory of returning home from the pub one night and wandering through my then home without need of light, something I regularly did because I knew where all the obstacles were located, having had a few beers my bladder needed emptying, once pee had passed I was exiting the bathroom when for a split second, before the light went from on to off, I spied standing outside the bathroom door a little girl, pigtails, red ribbons in her hair, Summer dress though it was Winter, white socks and little black shoes startled I immediately returned my surroundings to illumination and the girl was gone perplexed by my weird imagining I relocated myself to bed.

As an older man, in my thirties, I remember two nightly occurrences I had at the time I had been reading Three Men Seeking Monsters a great fun book dealing with three chaps deeply entrenched in a world of the paranormal seeking out creatures within Britain that could be considered out of place or supernatural in their nature. One night, well early hours of the morning, I awoke feeling that I was not alone, though I happily lived alone, in the doorway of my bedroom was stood a man like figure totally shrouded in darkness I stared at it for a minute or two asked it banal questions and then returned to a blissful sleep. The following night I woke gasping for air as I felt that something heavy was sat upon my chest, opening my eyes I witnessed a horrid woman, kinda like the ghost from The Grudge, sat upon my chest she bent low putting her face in mine I laughed out loud and she evaporated and once again I drifted back into a blissful sleep.

Now I don’t consider any of my experiences to have been supernatural or paranormal on all occasions I could have been seeing things due to darkness, tiredness, waking from dreams, being asleep even the shadow man witnessed by a friend could have been our over active imaginations and both of us feeding off each others fears.

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The episode of Most Haunted I watched was embarrassing, basically a group of amateurs who have no idea how to conduct a paranormal investigation went into a haunted house, or supposed haunted house, and then in the dark with night vision on their ill equipped video cameras they convinced themselves they were encountering poltergeist activity and evidence of a haunting. They spent the majority of the episode talking to things that weren’t there and screaming hysterically at nothing, how anyone can find the series entertaining, convincing and real is beyond me but to each their own we’re all strange, weird, mad and insane.

I struggled to find anything else worthy of watching and to be honest neither the movie, Night of the Living Dead, or the TV show, Most Haunted, were worth watching they just happened to be on I had five baskets full of clothes in need of ironing and the remote control during both pieces of so called entertainment was on the other side of the room and I was too lazy to fetch it and over to a 24 hour news channel.

I’m not sure why television shows are so disappointingly dull I suspect it’s because there’s a lot of cheap TV, reality shows and their ilk, and far too many channels, air time needs filling and people will watch anything rather than entertain themselves in a more meaningful and perhaps creative way. If I were to find that I had more spare time I still wouldn’t watch TV shows I’d probably try and teach myself to play a musical instrument or go join the gym, play a sport perhaps, find anything to do other than watch TV, not because I’m superior in some imagined way to people who do watch a lot of TV but because there’s not enough material on TV that piques my interest.

Having a bit of an addiction, I spend thirty to fifty quid a week on comic book collected editions, I’d end up eating up most of my spare time reading about super people in their pyjamas beating the living shit out of other super people in pyjamas and my television would continue to collect dust finding itself used two maybe three times a week if it’s lucky. The funny thing about my comic book addiction is that it doesn’t extend to the realm of TV land, I don’t watch any of the superhero TV shows, I’ve tried, but I find them boring and overly concerned with romantic relationships rather than the building of interesting worlds and mythos.

 

Herodotus: The Histories

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I’ve started reading Herodotus, it’s part of my plan to better educate myself education doesn’t necessarily require schools, teachers, exams we can, if we choose, just go purchase a big pile of books and teach ourselves via reading and then Internet research.

I’m fascinated with the history of everything of civilisation, of us, where we came from, why we spread out across the world how the different physical characteristics developed separating us from each other and causing prejudice and hate.

I’d like, if it’s at all possible, to collect volumes of works that chart the birth of our world and the beginnings of life being an atheist I naturally don’t share religious people’s view that a supernatural entity magicked life into being. Sure Christians, Jews and Muslims could argue that their view point is right but there have been many, many religions during our journey from hunter/gatherers to civilised peoples living in a technological age most of those religions are now considered myth but they weren’t to the people who believed they believed just as much and just as hard as any Christian, Jew or Muslim.

Creation myths have come and gone along with the gods and goddesses responsible for them it’s arrogant for any Christian, Jew or Muslim to believe their religion is anyway more truthful than all the dead religions they scoff at as primitive belief.

I prefer being an Atheist to being a believer in a magick guy living in the sky I like the idea life is but an accident and that the Universe is harsh and cruel and doesn’t give a damn about me, or any of us as individuals and collectively as humans.

With my mind made up about discovering the origins of Earth and all life upon it I put my plan into action and Googled a question, ‘books on Earth’s beginnings?’, on io9, a website I regularly enjoy reading I found an article dealing with ten such books, two of them were specific to the North American continent so I excluded them from my Amazon wish list learning about the early beginnings of Earth I want my teachings to encompass the entire planet not merely one geographical region.

Books to be made purchase of are:

Microcosmos: Four Billion Years of Microbial Evolution.

Life On A Young Planet: The First Three Billion Years of Evolution on Earth.

When Life Nearly Died: The Greatest Mass Extinctions of All Time.

The Medea Hypothesis: Is Life On Earth Ultimately Self-Destructive?

Eating The Sun: How Plants Power The Planet.

Oxygen: The Molecule That Made The World.

The Planet in a Pebble: A Journey Into Earth’s Deep History.

Written In Stone: The Hidden Secrets of Fossils and the Story of Life on Earth.

All books sound very interesting and it’s going to be a pleasure to delve into our world’s history making awesome discoveries and being, figuratively not literally, blown out of my pants with amazement and excitement. Naturally once these books are greedily consumed I’m going to move onto books dealing specifically with each geological time period given to our world for example from the Precambrian to the Pleistocene.

What began with my interest in reading The Histories by Herodotus as exploded into this discovery of life’s mysterious beginnings and a journey will begin, for me, tracing the movements of our early ancestors as they struggled and triumphed over a very harsh environment.

I could make purchase of TV shows covering similar topics but I wouldn’t get as much out of TV shows I find I learn more and retain information better if I read it and make notes as I go along. It’s an interesting project I’ve added to the others that I’ve burdened myself with this year to try and figure out our origins and that of our world should, you’d think, be a major concern for us all considering the fact we’re supposed to be an intelligent questioning species.

 

Learning To Write Fiction

I toy with writing fiction without actually finishing anything. At the start of the year I decided to write and illustrate a comic book, I’ve had the idea to do so many times before but either I’ve been too lazy or talked myself out of the idea. After all why would anyone read anything I’ve written and illustrated?

Undeterred by moments of doubt I’ve managed to write and plot at least one page of a comic book every day of the year so far and I’ve been happy pursuing this task I’ve given myself, whether there will be a finished product probably doesn’t matter it’s the actual process bringing me happiness and not the completion.

I’m not writing for wealth and fame, except for a few lucky individuals most writers barely scrape a living.

Not that I consider myself a writer, my attempts are hardly competent below is an example the first page of my comic book:

HAM FISTED TALES

 Presents:

 The Dark Ones

 PAGE ONE

Panel 1: A STARSHIP, THE DAMASCUS, RED AND WHITE IN COLOUR STANDS PROMINENT AGAINST A BACKGROUND OF STARS, PLANETS AND THE BLACKNESS OF SPACE.

CAPTION:

The starship Damascus leaps into known space from the strangeness of hyperspace.

Panel 2: CAPTAIN DAGON HAZARD AND HIS LIEUTENANT REGINA ROJO ARE POSED ON THE OBSERVATION DECK OF THE DAMASCUS.

CAPTION:

Onboard the Damascus Lieutenant Regina Rojo tries in vain to console her troubled Captain.

REGINA: You needn’t worry so Dagon.

DAGON: I’m not worried.

REGINA: Whenever you’re in crisis you can’t help but have your father’s disintegrator at hand. I sometimes think it’s because you’re thinking of disintegrating the crew. Or yourself.

Panel 3: CLOSE UP OF CAPTAIN HAZARD AND LIEUTENANT ROJO.

DAGON: Ha! I’m not suicidal but disintegrating the crew that’s a good idea.

REGINA: You joke but you are worried. Your uncle will be fine.

DAGON: Fine? He sounded troubled. Broken.

Panel 4: A SPACE STATION/STARSHIP ORBITING ABOVE A MOON A SPACE BACKGROUND.

CAPTION:

The Endeavour a generation class starship. The vessel currently orbits the fourth moon of the Jupiter sized world Andreas.

And, that’s the first page I wrote on January 1st.

It’s all rather dull nothing gripping nothing of interest unfolding I realised I’d not written anything engaging enough to a potential reader with this thought in mind I ventured warily onto Amazon and made purchase of two books that deal with writing comic books Words For Pictures by Brian Michael Bendis and The DC Comics Guide To Writing Comics by Dennis O’Neil, I didn’t find any inspiration within the pages of Brian Michael Bendis’ book though it is an interesting read, the DC Comics Guide however gave me plenty of inspiration and I added several pages to my comic book script in an attempt to make it more exciting and therefore gripping.

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The result can be seen below:

PAGE ONE

SPLASH PAGE:

CAPTAIN DAGON HAZARD AND REGINA ROJO FIGHTING A GROUP OF CHITTERERS (Chitterers are named thus by Earthlings venturing out into space and encountering the creatures. Chitterers are eight foot tall armoured beetle type aliens that make a noise that sounds like ‘chitter’) HAZARD IS ARMED WITH A REGULAR LOOKING SWORD THAT HE’S THRUSTING AT AN ENCROACHING ALIEN, ROJO IS SLICING THROUGH AN ALIEN WITH A PLASMA SWORD. THE PAIR ARE SURROUNDED. IN THE BACKGROUND MIGHTY MOUNTAINS WITH THE ALIEN CAPITAL CITY PERCHED HIGH UPON A PEAK. THE SKY IS SHADES OF RED AND TWIN MOONS ARE VISIBLE HIGH IN THE SKY.

HAZARD:

DAMN THIS GODFORSAKEN WORLD! What I wouldn’t give for a laser pistol.

ROJO:

I’m receiving a psychic message from the Damascus your uncle is in some kind of trouble and seeks your help.

HAZARD:

Time to stop playing with these monsters order an immediate teleport.

PAGE TWO

Panel 1: HAZARD’S UNCLE, PROFESSOR CARLTON OWENS, STOOD STARING AT A STRANGE BLACK MONOLITH ON A DEAD WORLD.

CAPTION:

Kepler-452b 1,400 light years from Earth. A world previously thought to have been devoid of life Professor Owens and his team of experts, family and friends, have discovered evidence that the world was once home to an ancient civilisation. Creatures from Earth’s many myths.

OWENS:

Fifteen bastard years of my life wasted searching the worlds along the Monoceros Ring and all this time the answers I sought were closer to home.

Panel 2: PROFESSOR OWENS IN TURMOIL, HIS CREW, A MIXTURE OF MEN AND WOMEN, RECOILING IN HORROR.

OWENS:

THE OLD MYTHS WERE TRUE. MONSTERS LIE SLEEPING IN PLACES MAN FEARS TO TREAD.

RANDOM MAN:

AND NOW WE’VE AWAKEN THEM. DAMN YOUR EYES OWENS. YOU’VE DOOMED THE GALAXY!

Panel 3: DEMONS FROM EARTH MYTHS TEARING AND RENDING PROFESSOR OWENS TEAM.

Panel 4: PROFESSOR OWENS, AND THREE WOMEN, RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES.

PROFESSOR OWENS:

BACK TO THE SHIP. WE MUST WARN STAR FLEET.

Panel 5: DEMONS FEASTING ON HUMAN FLESH. SEVERAL DEMONS ARE LOOKING TOWARDS THE READER AND LICKING THEIR LIPS.

Panel 6: PROFESSOR OWENS ALONE STUMBLING ABOARD A STAR VESSEL HE’S COVERED IN HUMAN BLOOD.

PROFESSOR OWENS:

I led my family and friends to their doom, opened the doors to Hell. I’m a fool, a damned fool.

That’s the end of my new additions to my comic book script.

It’s certainly more exciting than the page I’d previously written, it introduces quickly three of the main characters and introduces them in scenes of action, of horror, of destruction and that is the intent of my comic book.

I realised at the end of last year there’s very little in fiction, comic books, TV, books or movies that features what I’m looking for. At the time I was searching for science fiction novels on Amazon that featured heroic Flash Gordon types battling ancient evil. I wanted, nay craved, Star Trek versus Lovecraftian nasties, but there wasn’t anything to be found, it doesn’t mean such fiction is non-existent it just means I couldn’t find it, so I decided to create what I want for myself.

My story starts with Captain Hazard and his crew visiting his uncle and finding themselves drawn into conflict with ancient evil, originally I was going to base the ancient evil on Lovecraft’s Old Ones but I’ve decided to go all Judeo-Christian myth with a big dollop of other Earthly myths thrown into the mix. My idea is this Professor Owens is a God fearing man, though a scientist, he believes that Earth’s myths are very similar to the myths of many alien races and that’s because beings like gods, angels and demons once existed and did battle. To prove his idea he’s been searching for evidence finding imprisoned, sleeping, demons on a dead world close to the planet Earth he accidentally awakens these demons they kill his crew and then seek him out to kill him, the Professor tries to warn Earth’s Star Fleet but they consider his ideas outlandish and unbelievable in the hundreds of years Earthlings have been exploring the Galaxy no one’s ever encountered such mythical creatures.

And there begins a short story, in terms of a TV series it would be as long as a British series rather than an American, nine episodes each an hour long featuring ham fisted space heroes fighting supernatural demons. I already have the ending written and I have a clear direction the story will take.

It’s an interesting, though difficult, task to create a comic book and in my mind’s eye, or whatever, I see the pictures looking very Jack Kirby-esque, my own attempts at drawing images aren’t very Jack Kirby-esque and while the writing is difficult the actual illustrations are even more so.

I’m figuring the best way to present my finished comic book tale to an audience is via the Internet, a webcomic, but I’m not going to post any finished pages until the entire story is pencilled, inked, digitally coloured and lettered that way I can post a few pages a week and keep this schedule running without falling behind.

In the past I have tried, and failed, to create two webcomics my failures can be seen here:

http://4fistedtales.thecomicseries.com/comics/1