January Horror

If one was to believe the media then January is a month of horrors the after effects of X-Mas and New Year, the collateral damage of having spent much of December in the company of family and friends, the fallout of all that X-Mas expenditure, Fimbulwinter type weather conditions, and everyone, supposedly, a little more stressed and depressed than normal.

I guess for some, most, of us however the media’s version of January Horrors holds no sway with us so we, well I, create my own horrors in the form of a horror movie fest starting with:

THE VISIT

10

Now I’m no fan of M. Night Shyamalan movies I figured out Bruce Willis’ character was dead in Sixth Sense, shot to death and then meeting a kid that can see dead people come on it was plainly obvious. Signs is just dreadful. Unbreakable I liked but I’ve only seen it the once, and the rest of his movie output I haven’t seen.

The trailer to The Visit piqued my interest but at the beginning of the actual movie, when the kids eventually meet their grandparents I was already certain there was something very wrong with their grandma, she looked crazy, if I’d been one of those kids I would have run away, to be found later molested and murdered, hey this is the 21st century how often does a missing kid story end well?

The Visit is one of those found footage types, I’m no fan of such movies I find them illogical, wouldn’t you, as the camera person, just throw the camera during the most extreme and severe of situations and run for your life shitting your pants along the way? I know I would. I also feel that found footage is cheating, it’s cheating the audience of story and a movie. But that’s just my opinion.

The reason behind all this point and click movie making is due to the fact the little girl character is a budding documentary film maker and she’s trying to help her mother, estranged from her own parents for over fifteen years, by filming her grandparents in their natural habitat.

Grandparents who might be A) old folk with some serious mental health issues or B) escaped murderous mental patients who have killed and perhaps eaten the real grandparents. Though the kids themselves have issues, perhaps all kids do these days, the little girl can’t look at herself in reflections and the little boy as issues with germs though seems happy enough crawling about underneath houses.

Though I had lots of issues with this movie, plot, story content, nothing making much sense I will admit overall it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen but I wouldn’t recommend anyone watch it.

SCOUTS GUIDE TO THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

11

Now this movie should be more to my liking I love the idea of a zombie apocalypse. Why? Because I’d like to see ignorant arrogant humans knocked down a peg or two and what better way than being eaten alive by our (un)dead loved ones.

Usually the zombie virus is blamed on governments and the U.S. military bad enough that our governments are greedy, corrupt lackeys of big corporations hellbent on placing money before people. Here in Great Britain (Great meaning greater as a greater geographical area rather than ‘oh fuck look at how awesome we are’) the government of my home nation, the evil Tories, have it in mind to impose an American style healthcare service on us poor Brits and with the looming aggressive life threatening TTIP a reality the British healthcare service is going to go from available to everyone to only available to those who can afford health insurance and the medical bills that come with treatment. The reason why successive British governments, evil Tories and fake Labour, HATE the National Health Service is because the NHS doesn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t make a profit and my government is all about profit all hail their god money, money, money.

Why the hell healthcare is supposed to be profitable is beyond my understanding instead of profit driven healthcare everyone should enjoy people focussed healthcare. I guess in an insane world profits before people’s lives would make sense but this is a sane world. Oh, wait, my bad.

Anyway, a zombie apocalypse being scientific in origin makes no sense, to me, but a supernatural origin makes all kinds of sense. Disembodied demons, evil spirits, possessing the physical bodies of dead people makes a lot of sense and instead of relying on Rick Grimes to save our sorry asses we need Doc’ Fate (I could have used Marvel’s Doc’ Strange as an example but fuck Marvel I’ve always preferred DC).

One of the many weird things about watching American movies are the differences in culture kids in Britain aren’t allowed to drive not that they’d be able to afford to do so if they were allowed we Brits aren’t as wealthy as our American counterparts and goods, motor vehicles for example, aren’t as cheap.

Also we don’t have access to firearms, at all, that’s not always been the case back before the Hungerford massacre firearms were available to members of the public via a licensing law but in 1987 a chap, Michael Ryan, who had legal right to own firearms went a little crazy and shot to death using handguns and semi-automatic rifles sixteen people the awesome, whoops I meant fucking awful, British tabloid press blamed the Sylvester Stallone movie Rambo, though there was no evidence Michael Ryan had ever seen the movie. Ah, the good old British tabloid newspapers not worth the paper they’re printed on featuring zero news worthy items and better off as fish and chip wrappers.

Though we have an English Bill of Rights, admired greatly by the men who created the American, and we the English had a right to bear arms it’s been largely replaced with the more sensible option of no right to bear arms. After the Hungerford massacre the then British government, evil Tories, banned semi-automatic rifles the government didn’t want subjects of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II shooting and killing each other the government already had a policy of killing British people and didn’t need any help thank you very much.

Not that the firearms ban prevented men losing their reason and shooting a bunch of people in 1989 Robert Sartin took a double barrelled shotgun and killed one person and wounded an additional fourteen, in 1996 at a school in Dunblane Scotland a local man Thomas Hamilton with legally obtained handguns entered the school and shot dead sixteen children and one teacher all but one of the children killed were five years old the other victim being six.

The British government then banned handguns, it might have prevented such an incident if the government had banned handguns back in 1987.

It might also have prevented the 2010 Cumbria massacre if shotguns had also been banned and raids carried out on everyone with legally owned firearms, Derrick Bird killed twelve people and injured eleven others with a shotgun and a .22 calibre bolt action rifle.

In America there were over a thousand mass shootings, incidents involving four or more victims, in 2015 alone here in Britain there hasn’t been a mass shooting since 2010 we have gun control America doesn’t. Both nations are vastly different in many ways and I doubt gun control would work in America not that there’s ever going to be a chance to try it out people’s lives don’t matter, I think that’s well established in every nation, made up fictional conjured forth from someone’s noggin ideas and beliefs matter way more, political aspirations of insane men and women matter more than people’s lives, and money matters more than anything.

Researching British gun massacres and the Dunblane massacre in particular made me a little sick, and I felt a little more hate for my home nation, but then I researched gun massacres in America, already aware there had been a lot last year, I used this news item: http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/ng-interactive/2015/oct/02/mass-shootings-america-gun-violence for my research purposes and focussed on Texas, why Texas? Because you can fit the whole of the U.K. in Texas twice and still have a big chunk of land left over and yet the U.K. as a population of between sixty and seventy million Texas less than thirty million. Last year, according to the article, Texas suffered fifty two gun massacres the U.K. zero with a larger population and gun control in the form of an outright ban, it’s even illegal to buy in Britain and own Airsoft firearms that look like real firearms. Of those fifty two Texan gun massacres some one hundred and eighty seven people were injured and one hundred and eight killed.

I think I’ve already mentioned that you can’t really compare America and Britain one is a small overcrowded nation with laws preventing the Queen’s subjects getting their filthy drunken paws on firearms and the other is a vast nation with loads of land and space with laws that allow it’s citizens to shoot and kill each other. Yeah I’m being flippant.

But seriously for a moment I have an idea to solve Britain’s problems, and maybe the problems Texans don’t enjoy, we swap places, everyone in Britain buggers off to Texas, it would solve all our problems which are too many people not enough space, and maybe Texas’ problems are not enough people too big a space a swap could work out ideal, Texans would be an independent nation free of the Federal government, and Britain could replace Texas as a brand new state but still keeping within the current fifty limit many Brits would be happy, they’d sooner be American anyway they already dress like Americans, we could still retain our gun control laws, having never experienced gun ownership and the NHS could be done away with making the evil Tories happy. Sorted.

Anyhow this is, or was, a movie review and there might be a review in all this drivel somewhere.

Onwards.

Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse was supposed to be discussed. The movie features three main characters, friends, all three are scouts two consider this uncool and wish they were part of the cool kids clique one scout is a nice guy, one a motormouth jerk and the third your typical fat movie kid the trio go out into the big dark woods while their hometown experiences a localised zombie apocalypse.

These three scouts are identified within the movie as losers our entertainment needs assure us that being a loser kinda sucks and that all losers just want to be cool. This is a lie, I am a loser, I’ve always been a loser I plan on being a loser until the day I die if I were to win the jackpot on the National Lottery, a ridiculous amount let’s say fifty million, I’d still be a loser I’d just be a fucking rich loser my life would barely change and my attitude sure as hell wouldn’t. I know cool kids, you know the type all looks no substance I’ve never been inspired by them, nothing they do seems aspirational they’re shit people, they’re unfriendly, everything’s about them, the Universe revolves around their wants and needs, they treat people poorly, talk to people like they’re shit, share the most personal of moments with absolute strangers, always experience a huge amount of drama, have a dozen or more broken/failed relationships some include abandoned and unwanted kids, and they are without a doubt toxic people they leave chaos and misery in their wake and are only interested in one thing THEMSELVES.

When I said there was a movie review featured somewhere in all this drivel. I lied.

UNNATURAL

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I’m going to try and write a proper movie review this time. I’ve read a bunch of reviews in a few movie magazines, for inspiration, so no rambling, no politics, no social commentary.

Unnatural is directed by Hank Braxton and stars James Remar, Ajax in The Warriors, the story unfolds in a world much like our own blighted by global climate change, a world in which big corporations are trying to take advantage of Man’s hopes and fears. Set in a frozen environment, Alaska, two models a photographer and his assistant venture into this wilderness for a photo shoot at the same time, and nearby, a genetically altered bear breaks loose from the laboratory in which it has been created.

Within minutes of watching this movie I wished I hadn’t and unable to stomach more than twenty minutes I switched it off and moved on to:

WOLFCOP

13

Wolfcop is a bad cop in a redneck town that’s celebrating Drink N’ Shoot the cop’s name is Lou Garou, I know sigh, and Drink N’ Shoot seems like a ton of fun basically you get blind drunk stagger out into the woods shoot and kill a defenceless animal, or another drunken hunter, fuck or rape the poor girls of the town and then jump into your pickup and drive home well and truly sated.

From my own British perspective it is truly odd watching American movies especially those that occur in small town America people with too much time on their hands and access to a lot of booze and far too many firearms. The equivalent here in Britain would be a place like my hometown a former mining community with a large population of the unemployed plenty of places to drink booze very little in the way of education cheap pound shops and pasty fast food joints. The main difference is of course no guns. Britain could be like America but instead we’re America’s very elderly parents who also happen to be brother and sister. Hmm, I might have a t-shirt made ‘Great Britain is America’s elderly parents who were also brother and sister’ I doubt anyone else has anything similar.

The werewolf transformation scenes in this movie are pretty good though the first scene involves Lou Garou’s penis it was the second time today I had seen another man’s penis the first in the movie Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse. I don’t like penis, I like my own it serves a useful purpose but every other cock on the planet I really don’t like. Cock, it’s just not my thing.

Woodhaven, the town featured in the movie, is a town of many secrets there’s something not right about the woman, Jessica, who owns the town’s only bar, Tooth and Nail, people have been disappearing from the town for years, decades, there’s a sinister criminal biker gang, and a weird occult fraternity who might be shapeshifters.

Wolfcop’s first actions as a superhero werewolf cop occurs at Liquor Do-Nuts: What More Could You Ask For? Wolfcop kicks ass, well he rends bad guys asunder while also toting a gun. In one night Wolfcop puts an end to a Woodhaven robbery crime spree, pimps his car, pisses on two teen graffiti artists, and puts the beat down on the biker gang accidentally exploding their meth lab.

Overall it’s an okay(ish) movie.

PARASYTE PART ONE

12

A live action version of the Japanese comic book one of my favourite Japanese comic book series the movie begins with the idea that we humans are parasites that we are sucking this planet dry of life. Indeed I’ve read that if insects suddenly went extinct humans would be dead within fifty years but if all humans suddenly dropped dead all life on the planet would flourish. I don’t know for sure if that’s true but I like the idea regardless.

The SFX, especially of a bloke’s head going all The Thing and eating his wife, are really awesome the story concept is this: weird alien creatures from beyond space infiltrate the populations of our planet these little creatures are meant to merge with a hosts brain but for young Shinichi Izumi the brain parasite ends up taking over his right hand and lower arm.

It’s a fascinating idea ably pulled off in the movie it’s not as gory as the Manga but it does have a few moments of violence and gore.

Of all the movies I watched today this was easily the best.

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