Movie Remakes

The culture of remaking old, and sometimes new, movies and television shows is a culture I find a waste of the creative talent involved in such movies. Personally speaking, and I can only express my own opinion, movie remakes and reboots are as wrong as heterosexual males wearing pink.

What follows is a list of future remakes and reboots in the planning stages and my opinion of such:

Ace Ventura: I don’t understand why anyone is considering remaking such a movie it’s a unique comedy thanks to the performance of Jim Carrey attempting to replicate his anarchic antics will result in a big old dud. Now I’ve never been a fan of the Ace Ventura movies, I guess because my sense of humour, if I possess such an abstract concept, isn’t aligned to this type of comedy.

Alien Nation: A movie remake sounds, to me, a good idea and here’s why I think thusly, at the moment throughout Europe, in my home nation Britain obsessed with being outside of Europe, and also in North America and Australia, and possibly everywhere else, so called ‘natives’ are clamouring for stringent restrictions on immigration. Here in England, my home country but not nation has it’s not (at the moment) a nation, many English people blame all England’s problems on ‘bloody foreigners’ if one studies English history one would discover the English have always blamed foreigners for all Anglo-Saxon problems if it’s not been the fault of Normans then it was Scandinavians, and later England’s problems were the fault of the Scottish, the Spanish, the French, in the 20th century the English blamed Germans, and Americans, in the 21st century everything bad is the fault of Europe and Muslims. Over the Atlantic future U.S. President, Donald Trump, blames Mexicans and Muslims for all America’s ills while at the same time embracing gun culture, jingoism, and vile idiocy. An Alien Nation movie, if written well, could take all our present national hatred of immigrants and apply it very well to a story that explores such ideas from a science fiction point of view. I like stories that are relevant to my life and the world upon which I live.

The Batman: I’m a big comic book fan, in fact my favourite thing in the world is the entire comic book industry from Image and Dark Horse to the Big Two DC and Marvel. If I could spend all my waking moments immersed in comic book worlds I’d be a very happy chappy however I don’t care, at all, for comic book movies or TV shows.

Ben Hur: Apparently movies set in the fictional worlds featured in the Bible are seeing a surge in popularity, perhaps a lot of people are struggling to accept how much the world around them is changing, perhaps not for the better, and an embrace of spiritual ideas and concepts is comforting to them. I’ve never liked movies with a Biblical setting, but then I’m an Atheist, I’d enjoy movies set in a Classical Myth world or movie versions of the Mahabharata far more. Perhaps a remake of Jason and the Argonauts, though the remake of Clash of the Titans was so piss poor maybe it’s best to leave movies set in mythological worlds alone.

Big Man Japan: Is a Japanese movie and an American studio is considering a remake I don’t know why the original isn’t very good.

Big Trouble In Little China: Is damn near perfect as it is leave it alone.

The Birds: Is another movie that’s damn near perfect and a remake should not be considered.

The Black Hole: I’ve always liked the original and figure a remake will be as pointless as the sequel to Tron was.

Blade: What’s the point? A remake, or reboot, wouldn’t add anything to what we’ve already seen.

The Blob: I like the original and the Eighties remake and I guess a new version utilising this centuries computer generated effects could be pretty darn great with a good script.

Bloodsport: Why?

Blue Thunder: Who comes up with these ideas? Apparently the plan is to change from a helicopter to a drone.

Cabin Fever: The remake is already a reality but I’ve not seen the original.

Cliffhanger: Not a great movie but as far as Nineties action flicks goes it’s not so bad. I can’t see a remake being better than the original and if a remake can’t be better then why create it?

The Crow: Another remake that seems, to me, completely pointless.

Don’t Look Now: How can anyone plan such a movie? The original is of the type that should be considered sacred.

Dungeons and Dragons: I’ve never seen the original, trailers for the movie weren’t very good and I’ve heard it’s a bit wank but the idea itself is sound. There’s an evil sorcerer living in a castle atop a mountain over looking several villages in a valley below, he and his minions terrorise the villagers until a group of adventurers come along to rob him of both his wealth and life. Oh and there are dragons.

The Entity: I’ve watched the movie and read the book and though I have an interest in stories of the paranormal and supernatural I don’t buy into the reality of ghosts, hauntings or poltergeists.

Escape From New York: NOOOOOO!!!

Five Fingers of Death (King Boxer): Brett Ratner to direct NOOOOOO!!!

Flash Gordon: I enjoy, A LOT, the original movie, ‘GORDON’S ALIVE?’ I can imagine a good modern take on the character especially if it uses the original movie, and the Buster Crabbe serials, as inspiration and keep Queen’s soundtrack then I’d be happy.

Friday the 13th: Hasn’t there already been a remake? I have this idea for a movie, take a bunch of actors and actresses who have appeared together before in popular movies or TV shows, have them portray similar characters and then have Jason Voorhees chop them into little pieces.

Ghostbusters: I’ve watched the original movie at the pictures more times than I have any other movie and I’m looking forward to the new movie I like the idea of an all female team of paranormal warriors. Women are often under represented in stories even though they make up at least half of the human population.

Akira and Ghost In The Shell: NO dirty Westerners leave well alone.

The Grudge: NO just NO!

Hellraiser: Yeah I can see this turning out okay. The original movie is batshit crazy and as long as a remake remains just as crazy all will be well.

Highlander: Keep the Queen soundtrack and make a decent action flick. Don’t over think the idea keep to the original.

The Howling: I’ve watched a lot of werewolf movies and the best are An American Werewolf In London and the original Howling so I’m a little disinterested in any remake.

Logan’s Run: I can see a remake being a good idea. I suppose. If imagined properly.

The Magnificent Seven: Another damn near perfect movie so why remake it? Especially these days when westerns are rare and those that we are offered are dull beyond belief Django Unchained and The Hateful Eight for example.

Masters of the Universe: It should be possible to make a decent He-Man movie but let’s be honest the source material is shit.

Men in Black: I’ve recently watched all three MiB movies the first one’s rubbish the second abysmal and the third okay. The world if explored properly could turn out quite interesting especially if supernatural creatures were introduced into the mix like in the original comic book series. But to be honest a remake seems completely pointless.

A Nightmare On Elm Street: Has already been remade, I haven’t watched the remake, but if someone’s determined to make a new remake make it nasty. Freddy Krueger ain’t a hero, he shouldn’t be a witty quipping Deadpool type he should be a vicious evil son of a bitch (and a thousand bastards) who lives to kill kids.

Pet Sematary: I don’t want to be buried in a pet sematary I don’t want to watch that film again.

Predator: Not a remake but a sequel to the original two movies directed by Shane Black from a script by Fred Dekker sounds like a wet dream come true.

Road House: It’s either my way or Rhonda Rousey’s way. Having watched Gina Carrano in Haywire I’ve got to say the fight sequences are fantastic, because Carrano knows how to fight when she fake threw a punch it looked real unlike other fight sequences in movies, Salt for example, the fight sequences are awful.

Seven Samurai: NOOOOOOO! Is nothing sacred? Now if it uses the title but sets the movie in space with the samurai, space samurai, with lightsabers protecting some dirt farmers on an inhospitable planet and have to battle the environment and aliens, those monsters from the Alien series, I’d be super excited, but it’s not anything like I imagine.

Van Helsing: Is a terrible movie but the idea is solid, so yeah remake it could be worst than the original but I don’t know how.


In my opinion all movies should be good, even the bad ones, and the main reason they should be good is because stories should be good. I’d much prefer all movies to be original, not remakes or reboots, not having originated in another medium comic books for example just good well written original ideas. For an example of great writing and a great movie go watch Predator starring Arnold Schwarzenegger it’s a perfect movie not one moment of naffness or daftness the beginning moments of the movie set-up everything that follows, a kick ass team of mercenaries, with varying personalities and idiosyncrasies are selected to rescue an American diplomat captured by rebel forces in a South American shithole. Almost immediately this team realises something is wrong when they find the eviscerated remains of another team of ass kickers, upon encroaching and then attacking their intended enemies Arnie’s ass kickers exterminate superior forces efficiently and expertly with only one member receiving an injury, Blain ‘I ain’t got time to bleed’. Shortly after this action packed assault the team of ass kickers is silently hunted down and one by one killed by a unique, never seen before, movie monster. Predator, is for me, not only a great example of movie making but also a great example of writing.


Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires

Directed by Gareth Evans, written by Shane Black. Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Van Helsing, Nicholas Hoult as the son, Charlize Theron as a European heiress/adventurer. Jackie Chan as the head of the Kung-Fu Family determined to rid his ancestral home of the vampire plague. Sammo Hung, Yuen Biao, Donnie Yen, Jet Li, Andy Lau, Chow Yun Fat and Aaron Kwok the vampires. Armie Hammer as Dracula.

Last night, during a shift at work, I was watching the original Hammer/Shaw Brothers movie Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires. It’s a movie I have great affection for and a movie I’d be happy to see re-made, just for me, featuring the people mentioned above.

When Hammer Horror returned to movie making I was hoping for a re-make of the Classics I love so much not just Golden Vampires but Captain Kronos Vampire Hunter also, which I also watched last night, Kronos was intended as a series with the vampire hunter fighting vampires throughout time, there was an idea to have a kind of Marvel comics vibe to the character and the movie series. It’s such a great idea, especially these days with movie universes being created, Hammer have a rich backlog to draw upon imagine a movie world featuring Kronos, Van Helsing, Dracula, Frankenstein, Father Shandor and the Karnstein family. An interesting and imaginative narrative could be weaved, a rich history expressing far out ideas about relevant subjects such as immigration, white folk are immigrants everywhere they go but especially white folk who speak English, North American white folk are Europeans and thus migrants to the American continent, Australians and Kiwi’s are Europeans, the English are from Germany and Scandinavia it could be an interesting topic to discuss within the context of a series of kickass violent horror movies. Also religions could be revealed to be manipulation by dark forces, Christianity, for example, seems more like Satanism than it does a religion of peace and love how often does one hear so called Christians howling like wolves for death to descend upon their imagined enemies? Shoot folk, stab folk, bomb from afar folk, especially if they’re foreign and Muslim. Alternatively because religious people are grossly, at times, misrepresented in movies have Christian characters be pacifists, be kind, generous and loving, because shouldn’t Christians be the nicest most understanding least violent and least bigoted people on the planet? I’ve always been of the opinion that they should.

Anyhow, I’ve spent the last few hours watching and thinking about movies and though I don’t get paid to watch and think about movies I manage to do so, and also complete the responsibilities and tasks that I am paid for.

I do have much love for old movies. I’m not a big fan of modern movies, I’m of the opinion modern movies suck, they’re poorly written, over long, and feature unmemorable characters I much prefer movies pre-1990. It’s just the way I am.


The Avengers: Disassembled to Secret Wars


Chapter One The Avengers Disassembled
The idea for this series of blog posts originated in a dream. Inside my dream I was re-reading Brian Michael Bendis’ New Avengers and writing a book about the series a book similar in vein to Robert Shearman’s Wanting To Believe: a critical guide to The X-Files, Millennium and The Lone Gunmen. Obviously instead of following my dream and writing a book I’ve resorted to writing a series of blog posts, long blog posts, perhaps barely readable blog posts, posts that seem to me completely pointless, so why write them?

Because I can. It’s the reason why any of us do anything.

The Avengers Disassembled was written by Brian Michael Bendis and mostly illustrated by David Finch but with the odd few pages here and there pencilled by artists Olivier Coipel, Alex Maleev, Steve Epting, Lee Weeks, Michael Gaydos, Eric Powell, Darick Robertson, Mike Mayhew, David Mack, Gary Frank, Michael Avon Oeming, Jim Cheung, Steven McNiven and George Perez. Also included are a few pages by Stan Lee and my favourite comic book creator Jack Kirby. Some comic book fans, myself included, think of Marvel Comics as The House That Jack Built.

Avengers Disassembled begins at Avengers Mansion Antony Stark’s butler Edwin Jarvis serves The Avengers members in residence The Wasp, Hawkeye, Ant-Man and Captain Britain. The Wasp, Janet Van Dyne, is a founding member of The Avengers. Hawkeye is Clint Barton usually portrayed as a loud mouth volatile type with a chip on his shoulder. Ant-Man is Scott Lang the same Ant-Man from the recent Paul Rudd starring Marvel Studios movie. Captain Britain, Kelsey Leigh Kirkland, inherited the title after sacrificing her life.

Bendis’ Avengers, and the DC Comics event series 52, drew me back into tales of superheroes after several years of finding myself disillusioned with such seemingly pointless stories and continuous series. Here in The Avengers Bendis introduced realistic characters having realistic conversations it’s like reading an American TV show, think NYPD Blue and Homicide, some American TV shows overflow with great characters, fantastic dialogue, engaging plot lines and story arcs that when binge watched via DVD and Blu-ray box sets is better than crack. Or so I believe, to be honest I’m not quite sure what crack is.

I want my comic book entertainment to be marvellously written to be as akin to a television series on a par with The Sopranos and The Wire, Lost and Battlestar Galactica, for far too long comics have been regarded as just for kids, superhero comic book stories have especially seemed like childish affairs and then along came The Avengers Disassembled and Hawkeye having a conversation with Ant-Man about sexy females he’d like to shag having settled on Viper, Madame Hydra, Hawkeye is met with comments from She-Hulk and The Wasp as he, Hawkeye, being a pig. She-Hulk is Jennifer Walters cousin of Doctor Bruce ‘The Hulk’ Banner. The conversation being had here is of a nature never, or very rarely, used in The Avengers comic books before and it’s fun to note that superheroes sound just like me, and you.

This unusual dialogue for an Avengers story is rudely interrupted by the arrival of Jack of Hearts previously thought deceased while saving the life of Cassandra Lang daughter of Scott. Ant-Man rushes from the mansion to greet, and if necessary aid, Jack of Hearts who bears a striking resemblance to a Marvel zombie and whispers ‘I’m sorry’ before he explodes killing Scott Lang and destroying the mansion.

Before taking in completely the shocking events of these first few pages there’s a scene shift Tony Stark at the United Nations building addresses an audience of esteemed U.N. delegates and with his address going well to begin with something sinister happens and Stark becomes a raving lunatic singling out the representative from Doctor Doom’s Latveria who is defended by the Wakandan delegate T’Challa, also known as Black Panther, on stage Stark is joined by his longtime friends Yellowjacket (Doctor Henry Pym) and the Scarlet Witch (Wanda Maximoff). Pym is the original Ant-Man and a founding member of The Avengers. Scarlet Witch, Wanda Maximoff, is the mutant daughter of Magneto though recently that seems to have been changed, due to the movies perhaps? She, and her brother, are now experiments of the High Evolutionary.

Tony Stark’s lunatic ranting is believed to be due to his falling off the wagon, Antony Stark having been an alcoholic since 1979, in 1979 Stark resembled a man in his early thirties in 2004, year of Disassembled’s publication, Stark still resembled a man in his early thirties, but how? In a recent comic book, Worst X-Man Ever, a female mutant revealed she had the power to keep saving the world, saving it by revising it and characters like Iron Man have been at a set age for a good sixty years thanks to her and no one has noticed. She also confessed to finding superheroes cool and the world needed them so they never grow old or die.

This character, Miranda, is kind of like Franklin Richards, son of Reed and Susan Richards of Fantastic Four fame it’s claimed by some comic book fans that Franklin Richards controls the Marvel Universe his mutant powers manifesting at an early age and that he, Franklin, has managed to keep himself at a child level rather than grow into an adult along the way he’s manipulated the rest of the Marvel Universe to remain at a young(ish) level and when a superhero dies it’s Franklin that brings them back to life again. There’s a website that deals with this idea in greater depth Google Franklin Richards controls the Marvel universe and click the link and read for yourself and remember in Jonathan Hickman’s Secret Wars Franklin Richards re-created the Marvel Universe and all present and future stories take place in a reality created by Franklin.

These characters, Franklin and Miranda, aren’t the only ones capable of bending, manipulating and breaking reality in Disassembled the character attacking The Avengers possesses such abilities, scarily so, and their attack is almost relentless leaving The Avengers incapable of mourning their dead.

With Avengers Mansion destroyed, Scott Lang dead, the Avengers reeling and in disarray Captain America and emergency services arrive at the scene in time to watch an Avengers flying machine, known as a Quinjet, fall from the sky piloted by the android Avenger The Vision. Out of control The Vision climbs from the wreckage to confront his team mates and apologises in advance at his shame before his jaw opens impossibly large and deposits smooth metallic spheres that evolve into Ultron drones.

The Vision was created by Ultron and the psychotic robot intelligence was in its turn created by Doctor Henry Pym. The Avengers defend themselves admirably against their deadliest foe but as the fight wears on artist David Finch expertly crafts the emotions of She-Hulk as she slowly succumbs to her savage side culminating with her tearing The Vision in half and rampaging violently across New York City, a rampage that’s brought to a halt far to quickly by the armoured fist of Iron Man.

This fight against She-Hulk leaves The Wasp and Captain Britain injured, in critical condition, while mystery enemies discuss their next move. In the opinion of Hawkeye the Avengers have just experienced the single worst day in their long history and with the arrival of many a former Avenger at the Avengers Mansion that’s now a crime scene things are going to get far worst. Especially for Hawkeye,

In this tale Captain America takes Tony Stark to his word, believes in him, considers him a dear friend, oh how things are going to change when the pair come to blows in Marvel’s Civil War but that’s in the future in their present, 2004, the Avengers witness an alien invasion the Kree have come to Earth. In a battle The Avengers and their allies should lose instead they win but at a cost Hawkeye in a ‘NOT LIKE THIS!’ moment flies himself and a Kree soldier to a fiery death.

With The Avengers in mourning and the Kree threat defeated, well vanished, Doctor Strange appears in astral form to reveal to the stunned Avengers that the villainous villain behind their bad day is one of their own, SHOCK! HORROR!!, the Scarlet Witch has lost the plot and turned on those she once loved.

This sudden hate of The Avengers originates with The Wasp, during an innocent conversation she accidentally let slip the fact that Wanda once had two children, twin sons, children who were actually aspects of the demon lord Mephisto. In another flashback Scarlet Witch confronted the powerful witch Agatha Harkness the person responsible for Scarlet Witch’s memory loss. Meantime, The Avengers refuse to accept Doctor Strange’s revelations, Carol Danvers, now Captain Marvel, particularly vocal insists, ‘no she’s… she’s a good person. She’s… she’s our friend!’ But once The Avengers confront Scarlet Witch Carol’s protests of her innocence turn to rage at her friend and The Avengers find themselves fighting people they fear and/or hate Carol Danvers attacked by the X-Man Rogue (Rogue a longtime ago stole Carol’s powers and memories), Captain America faces Red Skull, Spider-Man attacked by versions of himself, and The Avengers in general by The Hulk and Ultron.

The Avengers bad day ends with Doctor Strange defeating Scarlet Witch and the arrival of Magneto, thought at the time to be her father, to carry her off to safety.

It’s a thrilling read Disassembled a riotous overly dramatic narrative that brings a logical end to The Avengers and I for one have been happy re-reading the book and revelling in such superhero action packed dramatics.

The Avengers, some members in civilian clothes, gather at the ruined mansion, their home for so long, they lick their wounds and count their losses. Janet Van Dyne and Captain Britain have survived their injuries and both announce their leaving of The Avengers. Jennifer Walters, She-Hulk, is so ashamed of her actions she’s refused to make an appearance as her gamma irradiated alter-ego.

Iron Man reveals he’s no longer capable of bank rolling The Avengers he’s no longer in possession of such funds. Tony Stark lurches from billionaire to pauper on a semi-regular basis currently in the brand spanking new Franklin Richards created Marvel Universe he’s going through a pauper stage.

With the end of The Avengers in sight Carol Danvers asks, ‘ so this is it, right? We’re done.’ Which eventually leads Doctor Henry Pym to ask Tony Stark, ‘Tony what was our best moment?’ and Tony replies, ‘the best thing we ever did was getting together in the first place. I was so new to the armor and to the adventure, and when the team got together… Hulk included… I said to myself THIS IS WORTH DOING. THIS IS IMPORTANT. A super group. Don’t tell anyone I ever said this out loud, because I know it sounds arrogant beyond comprehension, but I always thought of us as The Beatles of superheroes. I will never be more proud of anything in my whole life. That’s why I picked up the check in the first place. It was the best money I spent.’

And then The Wasp picks her best moment, ‘… finding Captain America. We needed him. The country needed him. Look at him… we STILL need him. From the very second he joined The Avengers… the entire team was energized. I think of that day and I still get chills. Wow, when I saw that shield… I couldn’t believe it. Captain America is here. Thank God.’

There are other best moments remembered by Hank Pym, Wonder Man, The Beast, Carol Danvers and Jarvis, great moments, The Kree/Skrull War, the wedding of The Vision and Scarlet Witch, the Korvac Saga, the defeat of Thanos, the Masters of Evil invading and taking over Avengers Mansion. And then…

… then there’s Captain America’s toast to those who have fallen, Clint Barton, Scott Lang, and his colleagues join in, The Vision, Captain Mar-Vell, Jack of Hearts, Swordsman, Mockingbird, Doctor Druid, Whizzer, Two Gun Kid, Gilgamesh, Marrina, Thunderstrike and finally Carol Danvers ends with, ‘how about to all of us. Wanda, too.’

The Avengers, to me, aren’t just fictional characters they’re like family I’ve known them longer than every one I know, except for my mother, they’ve been a constant in my life for almost forty years my history and their history intricately intertwined so much so that I can shed tears, of joy and sadness, with their greatest moments and their one bad day.

Paranormal Mystery Police: Beginnings

PMP 1 2

With my decision to focus most of my spare time on the creation of a webcomic I’ve been contemplating various story ideas before committing pen to paper or fingers to keyboard.

I’ve decided to base the first story on a long time idea I’ve had about a group of super powered people who work for an organisation that investigates and combats paranormal perils, it’s an idea I had many years ago, back in the Nineties, and combines my love of superheroes with my love of paranormal mysteries, Fortean events, the supernatural and occult shenanigans.

So far, this morning, I’ve created all the main characters and the format for the webcomic, I’m thinking akin to an American cop procedural TV show, especially one of those quirky cop shows, he’s a famous writer she’s a cop, he’s Ichabod Crane she’s a cop, he’s immortal she’s a cop, he’s Lucifer she’s a cop, I love those kinds of shows, I’d watch more if they went something like this: he’s He-Man she’s a cop, he’s from the future she’s a cop, he’s the Martian Manhunter she’s a cop, he’s Conan the Barbarian she’s a cop, he’s a vampire she’s a cop, he’s a werewolf she’s a cop, he’s Abraham Lincoln she’s a cop, he’s Monkey (from the old TV show Monkey) she’s a cop.

They’re my favourite kind of TV shows and there are slight variations on the theme, she’s a zombie he’s a cop, he’s on a drug that enhances cognition she’s FBI, he’s Sherlock Holmes she’s a medical doctor and a drug therapist. They’re easy shows to watch episodic, a murder, or several murders, every week and then a big finale in which one, or both, of the characters appear to be dead.

Great stuff. I want more.

By creating the main characters I followed the method I read about in a book about screenwriting by the online internet personality HULK, and I created character trees for all the main characters and also created a few supporting characters who can make the move to main whenever the situation suits. There are an equal number of female characters in Paranormal Mystery Police, like in society half the people are female and I think this should be perfectly reflected in the entertainment I watch and read. One of my favourite TV shows, of all time, is Supernatural now the lack of female characters doesn’t nark me, because the main characters are so interesting, or so I find, but I do wish the female characters within the series hadn’t been killed off, there’s only Sheriff Mills and her two wards having featured so far this season and I’m sure there’s enough good material to use those three characters in a spin-off show, say nine to twelve episodes per season, sometimes twenty or more episodes kinda drag and a lot, if not all, of American TV shows feature episodes that are just padding and not progressing the main storyline or adding progressive narration to the main or supporting characters.

In addition I’ve not made all the characters white or American, there’s a Japanese character, a Canadian, two Britons and a smattering of black and Hispanic characters none of which are stereotypes, I wouldn’t know how to write stereotypical black or Hispanic Americans so I’ve just written characters instead, characters who aren’t defined by the colour of their skin, origins of their birth, or by gender instead they’re all by products of their childhoods, backgrounds, environments and experiences, like in real life, or so I imagine, I’m limited by the people I meet and living in an area like I do almost everyone is English and thus white of shade and they’re all pretty much the same with very little variation. Almost everyone is a bigot, and very anti-immigration, intelligence not highly valued and the main focus of life seems to be fucking, drinking, football, smoking, drug use, crime, bragging, revealing far too much personal information and general moaning about everything, life, decisions they’ve made continue to make, relationships, people they know, work, smoking, drinking too much, money, and especially the weather and having to do anything that requires a little hard work including walking, even if that walk is less than a mile it’s a fucking hardship to the types I’ve met and continue to meet.

I’ve kept all my characters completely different from the people I’ve met, known, no longer know, still know, acquaintances I’ve made and let go if I find myself writing about anyone, other than myself (one of the main characters is me, yeah I know how vain, but it does make sense within the wider concept of the story. Eventually.), I’ll quickly delete the characteristics that make the character seem familiar and start over.

So far, and heavily influenced by The X-Files, Supernatural and apparently true tales of people disappearing in and around American National Parks I’ve conjured forth the first tale of adventure, super powers and daemonic entities. I’ve based the story partially on the Supernatural episode Wendigo and also Detour an episode of The X-Files season five but I’ve incorporated stories of the Jersey Devil set the tale in the Pine Barrens area of New Jersey and used real life stories, alleged real tales that are featured within the book series Missing 411, books I don’t own or have read as they’re far too expensive via Amazon, ninety to a thousand pounds, and I’m not sure if they’re available from the author’s website maybe they are in the U.S. of A but I live in the U.K. and there’s a lot of stuff we Brits just can’t get our greedy highly un-evolved paws on.

The story starts with a young woman and her twin brother looking for their brother lost in the Pine Barrens, they’re joined by the father of another missing hiker and two park rangers, the father of the missing hiker is in his fifties but incredibly fit a former U.S. Marine, served during the Gulf War and seen action in other areas of the world, a hardcore no nonsense gentleman who knows his shit and doesn’t take shit from anyone else. Out in the woods, having located the missing hikers camp, overnight this group also disappears. Enter the F.B.I. specifically the Paranormal Mystery Police super powered Special Agents who investigate mysteries that have a whiff of the supernatural. Special Agent John Toast is lead investigator and he’s stuck with two rookies, these rookies rotate around various experienced agents as the story progresses and it’s an easy way to introduce all the main characters as seen through the eyes of people who are meeting and working with them for the first time. With two rookies in tow John Toast prepares to venture out to New Jersey but not before he’s pestered by Jake Burton, the character based upon myself, Jake’s brought in for Toast the Missing 411 series of books, but John’s not interested in reading them he asks of Jake, ‘haven’t you got your own case to fill your time and not pester me, relentlessly, with mine?” this allows Jake Burton to explain to the two rookie agents he’s working on a Cereal Killer case, he’s asked what kind of serial killer and then he has to explain that he’s investigating a series of attacks in shopping malls by a man possessing super strength who for some unknown reason, perhaps compulsion, is attacking boxes of cereals just annihilating entire rows of cereals and along the way injuring and hurting innocent bystanders. The two rookie agents are confused, naturally, what kind of weirdo attacks cereals? And they’re also a bit weirded out by Jake Burton because like me he’s a weirdo and I weird everyone I meet out, especially when I start ranting and raving about tales of the paranormal and outrageous conspiracies. I can’t help myself it’s my mental health condition, and we all have such a condition it just manifests differently from individual to individual.

Naturally it’s a daemonic creature, well creatures, that are feeding on the missing people in and around the Pine Barrens. Satan, lord of Hell, having relocated Hell to the Earthly plane all his high and low level demons have joined him. There’s no God, Jesus or angels in my stories the two rookie F.B.I. agents have it explained to them that the reality we all know was created by an insane Anti-God and that Satan is but one of his allies and underlings, Satan created the world and humans that’s why the world seems a little like Hell and nothing like Heaven, and why lots of people behave demonically, it’s a kind of dark nihilistic idea and I like it.

In the woods these low level demons, Jersey Devils, are met fought and defeated remains of their victims uncovered the evil threat to the Pine Barrens destroyed, job well done.


It’s not an original story, obviously as stated drawing inspiration from Supernatural and The X-Files and also many, many stories of missing people, because Missing 411 is so difficult to get my grubby un-evolved paws on I was left to download to Kindle on my iPad several other books dealing with missing people and strange disappearances in America and these allegedly true stories will be used as basis for the core of this story and possibly others yet to be concocted.

I do like the idea, real or imagined, that there’s a predator out there in the dark feeding on us humans I read something many years ago a big game hunter made claim that the number of people who disappear, never to be found, in America each year is in keeping with a large predator, or predators, hunting and consuming them he compared such disappearances to the feeding habits of African lions and I loved the idea and planned on using it some day in a piece of fiction, well that some day has become today and I’ve been super happy devising such an unoriginal tale. It’s kept me off the streets and out of trouble and will continue to do so for most of the year.


The New X-Files Episode Four


Out of pure self interest I’m hoping The X-Files lasts until I draw my final breath, which could possibly be any day now life is fragile the day of my death might be tomorrow. Run over by a bus. Stabbed or beaten to death by your typical British dickhead. Football hooligan. Drunken cunt. Take your pick Britain’s full of dickheads. I could be torn apart by rabid dogs. Eaten alive by a Great White Shark. The methods of my death are many, a varied amount of wonderful possibilities all far more attractive than being slowly killed to death by cancer.

As witnessed in the entertainment I enjoy there’s always death. Sometimes a lot of death. This episode of The X-Files is no exception as it features a creature of unknown origins being transported about in a garbage truck driven by unknown persons and this creature, Trash-Man, being of a supernatural type brutally tearing victims apart, quite graphically for an episode of The X-Files, oh how times have changed.

The first victim of the Trash-Man is a right royal asshole and his employment role as a Federal employee involves investigation by Mulder, and briefly Scully she’s given more pressing matters when she’s informed her mother is dying and off she rushes to her bedside. It was quite sad to see the end of Mother Scully, an almost ever present supporting character throughout many a season I’m watching now via the complete box set. It’s sad to see TV characters bite the big one, but I never feel sad when real life people I know, or have known, die, in some cases of death I dance a celebratory dance because I’ve got to be honest I’ve met a lot of English people I’d like to see dead.

Horrible? Perhaps, but I’ve never claimed, or pretended, to be nice.

This episode doesn’t dwell too much on the death of Scully’s mom, it’s an episode that offers, all too briefly, questions about the huge, huge gap between the Haves and Have Nots, the unequal distribution of wealth, the gentrification of our cities, the conflict, that’s perhaps looming, between rich and poor. We the poor outnumber the rich so let’s eat them.

The killer/monster of the week in this episode is neither dead or alive, it truly is a supernatural creature, the alleged creator of the Trash-Man claims the monster is a Tulpa, Buddhist thought form creation but Mulder argues that Tulpas are Theosophist nonsense a misinterpretation of the Buddhist tulkas and bear no relation to the popular culture myth developed around monsters born of thought.

But the real monster isn’t the killer of innocent victims, all of whom are asshats, no the real monster is human greed, we exist in a human world that worships greed and wealth, that hero worships greedy wealthy men and women, this culture of treating people like trash is wrongly claimed to be the only right way to live, to run and control societies and it’s reckoned to be Communist, or worst yet a Socialist, to criticise consumerism and capitalism but I’m happy to be considered either or both, or something even worst because fuck capitalism and consumerism is just plain wrong, insane and fucking stupid shove it where the Sun it don’t shine. In fact be torn apart by a thought form monster for idolising capitalists and being a voracious consumer of crap you don’t need.

In many paranormal episodes of The X-Files the investigations are largely unresolved, killer or killers still at large no truths revealed more mystery and questions than answers and this episode is no different from those paranormal tales that have preceded this one.

I’ve made claim that I love The X-Files in blog posts before but because I’m (incredibly) dull and (incredibly) boring I’ll repeat myself and make the claim once more I LOVE THE X-FILES!


Batman versus Superman


With a movie looming featuring the two costumed capes fighting each other it’s a question that a comic book geek/nerd can happily contemplate, who would win a fight between the two?

Obviously, no matter what the comic books have decided, Superman always beats Batman. ALWAYS. The only reason in the comic books, and perhaps the movie, Batman manages to even stand up against Superman is due to the popularity of the Dark Knight, because he’s considered a dark tortured character and the modern day worship of wealth and wealthy people the Batman becomes a more attractive interesting character.

But not to me.

I find Batman fucking boring, yawn it’s the Batman beating Superman, yawn it’s the Batman beating Darkseid, yawn it’s the most overrated comic book character in superhero comics. To me Batman’s a fascist billionaire with a sexual fetish dressing up as a big bat creature and beating the living shit out of the poor. In Gotham that’s all he ever does, with all the corrupt officials, all the greedy evil criminal businessmen and bankers it’s the poor Batman is beating on, the poor and people with mental health issues and physical disabilities.

Batman is a right wing Republican asshole, he’d vote for Donald Trump endorse his fellow billionaire, he certainly wouldn’t back Ted Cruz, a Hispanic Republican because Batman’s also a bigoted asshole, he hates non-white Americans just as much as he hates the Joker, he hates the poor and people with mental health issues and physical disabilities. He’s not trying to save people or protect Gotham he’s just intent on working out his hatred on the most vulnerable people in any society by waging terror on victims of a world that already hates them.

I HATE the Batman masturbation of comic book writers all that stupid nonsense that makes Batman one of the most dangerous people in the world. And, though I hate him most of his colleagues in the Justice League hate him even more because he’s such a Republican asshole. Aquaman, Green Arrow, Green Lantern (Hal Jordan), Wonder Woman, they’d all like to kick Batman in his over inflated ego.

Superman I LOVE. He’s a glorious science fiction super character, the greatest fictional character ever created. The best origin tale. The best super powers. The best attitude of all the superheroes. Superman offers the people of Metropolis, and the world, hope he protects the poor and the most vulnerable, unlike Batman he, Superman, would sacrifice his own life to save everyone.

This Batman masturbation probably started in Frank Miller’s brilliantly flawed The Dark Knight Returns, don’t get me wrong it’s a great series but it’s an awful version of the Batman and an even worst version of the Man of Steel and not in keeping with the Man of Tomorrow’s persona. Batman not Superman would have supported the end of superheroes by the Republican government, Superman being a Democrat, or so I imagine. Think about it Superman’s upbringing screams Democrat his adopted parents, Jonathan and Martha Kent, instilled in the young Kal-El a sense of always doing the right thing no matter what and looking out for the most needy, that doesn’t sound very Republican does it? As Clark Kent Superman pursues news stories that deal with daily injustices, and early in his career as Superman he put the beat down on the super wealthy and the super corrupt not for him the hatred of poor people.

Superman’s most hated enemy is Lex Luthor, if Bruce Wayne had been a citizen of Metropolis and not Gotham he’d be Luthor he’d hate Superman and plot to kill him using his billions and his companies and subsidiaries to end the life of the last son of Krypton. That’s all Batman is Lex Luthor, two super wealthy assholes, and does Luthor ever beat Superman? Of course not because Superman’s not only more powerful he’s also smarter, not only smarter than Luthor but also smarter than Batman.

Even with an armoured suit and green kryptonite Superman would win, he’s not stupid enough, regardless of how creators write him, to battle Batman without figuring out he’d have to contend with green kryptonite. Superman, being super smart, would work out a way of negating Batman’s potential advantage, he could just use his flight power and from high above Gotham combine his laser, sounds more awesome than heat, vision and telescopic vision with his x-ray vision and burn away Batman’s green kryptonite without causing harm to the detective (who very rarely does any detecting) then using super speed and strength Superman would knock Batman out with a little tap to his over chiseled perfect, due to surgery, jaw.

The X-Files Season Two: Paranormal Puff Pastry



Though assigned to the most mundane of F.B.I. tasks Mulder is still, on his own time, investigating potential X-Files and along the way discovering a new partner, Alex Krycek.

The agents become embroiled in a series of murders seemingly carried out by phantoms, dream or nightmare men, created by Augustus Cole a former Special Forces operative once included in medical experiments including lobotomies that have left Cole unable to sleep but able to use his own dreams, or nightmares, to influence the real world.

The stories involving a paranormal explanation are the least favourite of mine as they barely resolve the crimes that are being committed and I’m highly sceptical of paranormal events and claims.

At the end of this episode it’s revealed that Krycek works for the Cancer Man and he informs his superiors that Scully is a bigger problem than had been anticipated.

One Breath

Features the return of Dana Scully after her abduction by aliens, or military operatives of the U.S. government. The paranormal elements of this episode revolve around Scully as she decides whether or not to take the journey of life further out into the void or remain routed firmly on Terra Firma helping her make a decision is a nurse who doesn’t actually exist.


Concerns itself with a female police detective finding herself unexpectedly pregnant and the pregnancy kick starting a series of murders as she begins living the life of her unknown grandfather a sadistic sexual predator and murderer.

There aren’t many episodes in the second season of The X-Files that I would consider of a paranormal nature, some of the Monster of the Week episodes concern themselves with supernatural shenanigans and governmental foul play and are quite hard to categorise. In this the second season the paranormal tales tend to take inspiration from the writers imaginations rather than from actual real life reports of paranormal events and in my opinion that’s a shame I enjoyed the season one paranormal tales far more.

Storytelling Shenanigans

I’ve been teaching myself to write stories of a fictional nature for the past four weeks. I have in the past made attempts to write fiction I’ve created ideas for tales and managed to write a lot of words but mostly my writing has been pretty poor, or so I have decided, certainly not good enough to be published.

Writing fiction, good fiction at least, is harder than one can imagine. I figured that because I can recognise bad fiction, or fiction I dislike, that I’d be able to avoid making the same plot and narrative mistakes I notice elsewhere.

Writing a book series, ham fisted tales of fiction, is something I’ve tasked myself with after altering my priorities this year. Originally I’d tasked myself with travelling around Britain, and maybe America, my two favourite nations the one’s that have had the most influence on my life. One of those nations, Britain, is my homeland, and the other, America, a fantasy play land.

A few days ago I thought long and hard about my priorities, interests and ambitions coming to the conclusion that I would sooner, through hard work and struggle, commit my spare time to finishing my webcomic, Kung-Fu SuperNerd, and starting and completing two novels, Paranormal Mystery Police and Hell Streets Blues.

Kung-Fu SuperNerd is based partly on myself the main character, John Bland, is in his forties, he works in the Care Industry and lives in his hometown of Mansfield. He has super powers but so do ten per cent of the global population of humans. Bland’s super powers are complete knowledge of all forms of Kung Fu and how to effectively use those fighting martial arts, but Bland is a self confessed wimp and coward and usually runs away from fighting or uses pacifist fighting techniques to defend himself and defeat bad guys. This webcomic builds a world of super people, a world where most super powered people do not put on costumes and fight or commit crimes. As this work of fiction is planned as a webcomic series means I also have to illustrate the darn thing and providing illustrations for the story is more difficult than the actual writing.

Paranormal Mystery Police is set in the United States of America and centres around super powered people working for a specialised unit within the F.B.I. the super powered agents of this story are tasked with not only investigating crimes committed by super powered people but also by supernatural entities.

Hell Streets Blues is also set in the same world as Kung-Fu SuperNerd and centres around super powered cops in Los Angeles. It’s a cop procedural series dealing with the chaos of Satan relocating Hell to Los Angeles.

My ideas are hardly original and I seriously doubt the end product will be worth reading but by creating these tales they keep me off the streets and out of trouble.

The X-Files: UFO Mythos Season Two

Little Green Men


This episode begins with Fox Mulder making commentary about both Voyager spacecraft zigzagging their way out of the Solar System even as we speak. It’s hard to know if they’ve burst through the Heliosphere and exited our star system we’re not really sure how far our system extends is there a real quantifiable end to our space? The Voyager craft began their journeys back in 1977 and are proving to be the most wondrous machines ever designed and built by Man. Voyager 1, according to the NASA website, entered interstellar space, the spaces between stars, in 2012. Voyager 2 is the only spacecraft to have explored both Uranus and Neptune, these are remarkable, almost impossible, machines special machines that should be celebrated often. In the episode the music included on the Golden Record is returned as a message to Earth and picked up by a defunct NASA project at Arecibo, in Puerto Rico.

Due to the x-files having been closed at the end of the first season this episode features Fox Mulder working a mundane job a job that’s destroying his soul. We’re offered another glimpse into the abduction of Mulder’s sister and implies that Mulder was present when Little Green (grey) Men took his sister up and out into space for reasons unknown. This memory of Mulder’s is important in reference to future episodes that touch upon the abduction of Samantha.

The episode includes mention of SETI, the search for extraterrestrial intelligence, which has thus far failed to determine if there exists anywhere in our Universe intelligent aliens but the Universe is massive, unbelievably so, and it could take generations before evidence of an intelligent civilisation is discovered. It’s entirely possible the human race will die out before discovering evidence of other civilisations in the Universe.

One such piece of evidence was once considered the WOW! signal and it is mentioned in this episode but what isn’t mentioned is the fact WOW! is considered to be a signal from Earth, maybe of military origin the area of space the signal seemed to have been beamed from contains no stars or planets and attempts at locating the signal again have failed. It’s certainly something strange and highly unusual but not evidence of alien life.

The existence of intelligent life outside of our own planet is something ‘I Want To Believe’ but without any real evidence I can’t.

Duane Barry

For me a dull episode until Scully uses a supermarket price scanner on a small metallic device removed from Duane Barry. A device that might be used as a means for aliens, and the shadow government, to track abductees.

This phenomenon within the wider UFO phenomenon was made popular by the author, of horror fiction, Whitley Streiber he recorded his own abduction experiences in a number of his books, whether these stories are fictional in nature and a means to increase the author’s popularity and thus wealth is something a sceptical person could ask and perhaps answer. In some, if not all, cases these implants once surgically removed prove to be regular materials for example glass, little pieces of metal, nothing alien about them and certainly not advanced computer chips.

The episode ends with Scully’s abduction at the crazy hands of Duane Barry.


Scully’s been abducted by Duane Barry he’s hoping to exchange her for himself it’s an attempt to avoid the brutal experiments the superior aliens carry out on the inferior humans. Fox Mulder’s life is thrown into further turmoil, The X-Files at this point still haven’t been re-opened and Mulder’s finds himself stuck with a rookie agent Alex Krycek, who unbeknown to Mulder works for elements of the shadow government. It’s implied members of the shadow government conspired to have Duane Barry abduct Scully.

So far in this series it’s hard to figure out if aliens are actually behind all the so called alien abductions in some cases it seems the abductions are carried out by government/military forces. From the evidence of real life alien abductions are people’s stories evidence of alien abduction? Or abduction by sinister human forces? Or imaginary tales?

Alien abduction scenarios greatly mimic older tales from various cultures tales that involve humans encountering supernatural beings and being taken away from their homes by these creatures. Abduction by demons especially mimics the alien abduction scenarios and these stories of abduction by demons have existed for thousands of years. Naturally believers in UFO’s would argue that ancient stories of encounters with supernatural beings are actual stories about aliens just filtered through a person’s belief system and cultural background but the reverse could be argued.

Modern day tales of alien abduction could be far too influenced by popular culture via science fiction movies and novels it’s entirely possible, if these abduction stories are true, that people are encountering supernatural entities and not beings from outer space. We wouldn’t know especially in terms of stories about UFO’s and alien abductions/encounters the books, magazines and internet websites that report such stories edit witnesses stories to match their belief that aliens are visiting the planet anything absurd, like abductees being offered food, animals, particularly owls, being onboard spacecraft are sinisterly edited out of the book, magazine and website reports in an effort to create and promote an idea that we are not alone and that we are being visited by more intelligent, more advanced, and more wise beings from elsewhere in the Universe.


This episode begins with Mulder close to death but he’s quite happy at his near death experience because he’s had all his theories confirmed alien civilisations do exist and beings from at least one civilisation are visiting Earth, conspiring with governments, and abducting humans.

In fact these aliens are doing more than just visiting, they’re colonising the Earth, they’re aware that humans are close, a century maybe less, from killing themselves and they, the aliens, will inherit an entire world, one they plan on treating far better than the native intelligent species, though to be fair that wouldn’t be difficult.

This tale features for the first time an alien bounty hunter, he’s a shapeshifter and very Terminator like, an unstoppable killing machine with super strength. The story centres around this bounty hunter killing off various individual males all of whom look identical a CIA agent informs Mulder and Scully that these murder victims are in fact Russian agents, clones, hidden in the United States in medical profession positions and in the advent of war between the US and Russia the clones would contaminate blood supplies. Mulder is sceptical of the man’s claims, Scully wholly believing.

Mulder sceptical convictions are made real when he’s called away by his father and told to visit his family home, upon arrival at his childhood home he meets his sister, now all grown up. It’s a big, big moment for us fans of The X-Files and even though I was aware of what was going to happen the moment the Samantha Mulder clone said ‘Fox’ my socks exploded from my feet. It’s TV moments like this that make my geek life worth living.

End Game

Involves Dana Scully being abducted again this time by an alien bounty hunter, she’d only recently returned to work after her alien abduction and experimentation and was also abducted in Irresistible and now again in End Game.

Mulder loses his sister once again, but was she a clone? The answer is of course yes. Mulder discovers multiple versions of his sister, but this then beggars the question are they clones of his sister? It unfolds that they are not but one of the clones, the alleged original, claims they know where Mulder’s sister is, when Mulder confesses to not believing her she asks him how would they know so much about Samantha and her early life without actually knowing her.

Even for an episode of The X-Files it’s over the top, completely foregoing any grounding in reality shape shifting alien bounty hunters, alien human hybrid clones, Mulder going way out into the Arctic wilderness and finding a partially submerged U.S. Military submarine. It’s an enjoyable science fiction romp but I did enjoy the season one UFO stories more episodes in which Mulder and Scully floundered about without finding anything fantastical or uncovering anything in relation to the mysteries they’re investigating. In season two every mystery is in your face it’s impossible for even sceptical Scully not to believe.

Fearful Symmetry

Is a tale about various animals, other than humans, being abducted by aliens experimented upon and then returned to Earth invisible to the naked eye. It’s mad barmy and insane but also a whole lot of fun.

It led me to consider, and research, whether other animals besides us humans have been reported as being abducted by aliens.

The only evidence I could uncover of animal abductions is of the mutilations of non-human animals reported globally cattle are the most well known of these victims but there have been reports of dogs and cats having been found brutally mutilated and no evidence to proof humans carried out such heinous actions.

There’s also Mulder’s questioning of humanity’s insanity our non-stop appetite for destruction we, mad as it seems, are hellbent on killing every wild animal on the planet and every natural habitat for our own selfish consumption. We seem to be under the impression, because we’re the dominant species, that all this wonder, all this natural beauty is ours for the ruining.

We are supposed to be intelligent and wise, indeed Homo Sapiens means Wise Man but from all the evidence of us collectively and as individuals I don’t see any of it proving we are intelligent or wise. Stupid, insane, selfish, greedy, yes. Perhaps we have the potential to be intelligent, sane, altruistic, wise but so far we’ve not shown any inclinations to be so.


The final episode of season two goes all Native American taking place on a Navajo reservation. Apparently, and I don’t know how accurate this is, Navajo people have tales about beings from beyond the spaces we know visiting here and mucking about with us Earth people.

Star People supposedly feature in many legends.

This episode also features the return of Krycek after his betrayal of Mulder and uncovering as a plant within the FBI. It’s an episode that mentions Majestic 12 an idea forwarded by Stanton Friedman a well known UFO writer and enthusiast, and we, the fans, discover that Cancer Man knew Mulder’s father.

Over the last few episodes Fox Mulder seems to have been breaking down, he’s been unkempt and dishevelled failing to shave for example, in this episode he’s not been sleeping, feels a little ill and ends up swinging punches at Assistant Director Skinner. It’s not clear what’s happening to him but one could assume he’s suffering from stress, perhaps a kind of PTSD. Considering the work he does for the FBI and the bizarre things he’s witnessed suffering a mental breakdown would be in keeping with the fragility of the human psyche.

Mulder discovers that his father was connected to all things concerning UFO’s and alien occupants of why his sister, Samantha, was abducted by either non-terrestrial entities or very human conspirators in the biggest secret in the world. Before Mulder’s father can reveal anything to his son Krycek murders him a bullet to his noggin not a shot powerful enough to kill him outright Mulder’s father clings onto life long enough to ask of his son forgiveness, Mulder doesn’t know why he should forgive.

With the aftermath of his father’s death and Scully’s on investigations and stumbling across truths it becomes evident that Mulder’s increasing, escalating, paranoia, anger and irrational behaviour is down to the fact he’s slowly been poisoned in his own home, LSD added to the water supply that’s not only affected Mulder but also caused one of his neighbour’s a little old lady to shoot to death her husband.

With Mulder prepared to kill Krycek Scully shoots Mulder but only in the shoulder. The secrets Mulder’s trying to uncover might be experiments on US citizens rather than evidence of aliens visiting planet Earth, it’s not unbelievable to believe that the US government would experiment on its citizens it has been doing so for decades MKUltra, releasing the whooping cough virus, syphilis experiments on black patients in Tuskegee, Alabama, there are more, many more, and makes me wonder if so called epidemics and pandemics are the work of evil government/military forces.

The title of this episode refers to the Navajo tale of the Anasazi disappearing without a trace but who might have been abducted by visitors from outer space who visit here still. The Navajo word Anasazi allegedly means ancestors of enemies and is considered an offensive word by the peoples who claim descent from the Anasazi and rather than just disappear these peoples migrated to other areas of the United States and continued to live, love and breed.

In the final moments of this season two finale Mulder it seems finds himself fire bombed out of existence, but his he dead? Season three will reveal all.

The X-Files Episode Three


The episode begins with a couple of people, male and female, enjoying themselves getting high all the time, this time using aerosol paint, or so I believe because they’re mouths and noses are covered in gold paint. The pair have appeared in The X-Files before in the season three episode War of the Coprophages. I know this because I watched it a day later during my binge watching of the original series. In this episode they believe they’re witnesses to murder by monster.

I’m a weird person I find lots of things, normal human behaviour, very, very odd drug use is especially something that causes my face to contort in befuddlement. A few years ago, here in Britain, Meow Meow was the favoured drug of choice amongst recreational drug fiends, M-Cat, mephedrone was alleged, by the British media, to be available as plant fertiliser and thousands descended upon shops selling such product causing a sudden drop in supply to genuine users of the product.

The fact people would ingest, imbibe, in some way plant fertiliser amused me at the time and it still does now. Poor mentally ill people, there’s so many mentally ill people these days it’s actually the norm to have some form of mental health issue but because we live in societies that aren’t people-centric, greed-centric instead, those authorities who could make life better for the mentally ill choose not to because there’s no profit to be made in treatment of mental health but companies and corporations can certainly exploit all of us mentally ill people convincing that the latest new shiny is an attractive piece of kit something we must make purchase of otherwise we won’t be cool, being seen to be cool is something else I find odd, so spend, spend, spend get into huge amounts of debt you can never afford to repay and rejoice because you’re part of system that’s both stupid and insane in equal measure.

In this the monster of the week episode of The X-Files Fox Mulder is in his small office in the basement of the FBI building in Washington DC bored out of his mind, uncovering the fact that some mysteries he found fascinating in the 1990’s have now been shown to be the result of ice. Other mysteries have been faked, hoaxes and Mulder, burnt out by the looks of things, becomes disillusioned and prone to depression that he alleviates with alcohol, all hail alcohol, and this from a man who didn’t use to drink.

Mulder and Scully investigate the police reports that a monster is on the loose Mulder losing faith figures the kills are the responsibility of a mountain lion, wolf or bear. When Scully suggests the wounds on the victims, bite marks, have been caused by a person Mulder declares the only thing more boring than the X-Files is profiling serial killers.

This is a fun jokey episode, in keeping with many fun jokey episodes from earlier seasons of The X-Files, during a hunt for the monster when Scully reaches for her gun Mulder reaches for his smart phone and finds himself incompetent at using the camera app. As a man in my forties I find myself very much like Mulder mobile phones confuse the hell out of me and I tend not to use them very much, if at all, if asked to take a photo I’d probably end up taking, by mistake naturally, an image of my junk and that posting it to a woman young enough to be my daughter.

The monster, a were-lizard, turns out to be portrayed by Rhys Darby as the character Guy Mann, of Flight of the Concords fame and Scully confesses she finds these kind of monster hunt cases fun. Don’t all of us X-Files fans?

Rather than discover a monster Mulder uncovers a peeping tom in the form of a motel manager Mulder, in a moment of pure genius, as a one way conversation with Scully where he asks the question she would normally have asked of him. The twist in the tale is that the were-lizard is actually a were-human a monster that due to a human bite, the bite of a sicko serial killer, becomes a man.

The episode is What We Do In Shadows-tastic! And we’re offered a perfect example of a regular human life in a nation like the United States of America the way the were-human lays out his current situation is a piece of pure genius, I loved it, and how many of us can relate to the were-humans version of a person’s life?

Towards the end when Scully singlehandedly uncovers the real monster and arrests the very human and very disturbed bastard Mulder questions a few of her decisions during the episode, her running into potential danger without back-up and Scully, smiling and perhaps sarcastically, replies “I’m immortal” which references an episode of the series I’d watched days before Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose an episode in which a psychic who can see a person’s death tells Scully she never dies. Not ever. As for Fox Mulder he eventually dies by autoerotic asphyxiation. Nice.

Overall a great episode of a fantastic return of a television series I have much love for.