The X-Files Episode Three


The episode begins with a couple of people, male and female, enjoying themselves getting high all the time, this time using aerosol paint, or so I believe because they’re mouths and noses are covered in gold paint. The pair have appeared in The X-Files before in the season three episode War of the Coprophages. I know this because I watched it a day later during my binge watching of the original series. In this episode they believe they’re witnesses to murder by monster.

I’m a weird person I find lots of things, normal human behaviour, very, very odd drug use is especially something that causes my face to contort in befuddlement. A few years ago, here in Britain, Meow Meow was the favoured drug of choice amongst recreational drug fiends, M-Cat, mephedrone was alleged, by the British media, to be available as plant fertiliser and thousands descended upon shops selling such product causing a sudden drop in supply to genuine users of the product.

The fact people would ingest, imbibe, in some way plant fertiliser amused me at the time and it still does now. Poor mentally ill people, there’s so many mentally ill people these days it’s actually the norm to have some form of mental health issue but because we live in societies that aren’t people-centric, greed-centric instead, those authorities who could make life better for the mentally ill choose not to because there’s no profit to be made in treatment of mental health but companies and corporations can certainly exploit all of us mentally ill people convincing that the latest new shiny is an attractive piece of kit something we must make purchase of otherwise we won’t be cool, being seen to be cool is something else I find odd, so spend, spend, spend get into huge amounts of debt you can never afford to repay and rejoice because you’re part of system that’s both stupid and insane in equal measure.

In this the monster of the week episode of The X-Files Fox Mulder is in his small office in the basement of the FBI building in Washington DC bored out of his mind, uncovering the fact that some mysteries he found fascinating in the 1990’s have now been shown to be the result of ice. Other mysteries have been faked, hoaxes and Mulder, burnt out by the looks of things, becomes disillusioned and prone to depression that he alleviates with alcohol, all hail alcohol, and this from a man who didn’t use to drink.

Mulder and Scully investigate the police reports that a monster is on the loose Mulder losing faith figures the kills are the responsibility of a mountain lion, wolf or bear. When Scully suggests the wounds on the victims, bite marks, have been caused by a person Mulder declares the only thing more boring than the X-Files is profiling serial killers.

This is a fun jokey episode, in keeping with many fun jokey episodes from earlier seasons of The X-Files, during a hunt for the monster when Scully reaches for her gun Mulder reaches for his smart phone and finds himself incompetent at using the camera app. As a man in my forties I find myself very much like Mulder mobile phones confuse the hell out of me and I tend not to use them very much, if at all, if asked to take a photo I’d probably end up taking, by mistake naturally, an image of my junk and that posting it to a woman young enough to be my daughter.

The monster, a were-lizard, turns out to be portrayed by Rhys Darby as the character Guy Mann, of Flight of the Concords fame and Scully confesses she finds these kind of monster hunt cases fun. Don’t all of us X-Files fans?

Rather than discover a monster Mulder uncovers a peeping tom in the form of a motel manager Mulder, in a moment of pure genius, as a one way conversation with Scully where he asks the question she would normally have asked of him. The twist in the tale is that the were-lizard is actually a were-human a monster that due to a human bite, the bite of a sicko serial killer, becomes a man.

The episode is What We Do In Shadows-tastic! And we’re offered a perfect example of a regular human life in a nation like the United States of America the way the were-human lays out his current situation is a piece of pure genius, I loved it, and how many of us can relate to the were-humans version of a person’s life?

Towards the end when Scully singlehandedly uncovers the real monster and arrests the very human and very disturbed bastard Mulder questions a few of her decisions during the episode, her running into potential danger without back-up and Scully, smiling and perhaps sarcastically, replies “I’m immortal” which references an episode of the series I’d watched days before Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose an episode in which a psychic who can see a person’s death tells Scully she never dies. Not ever. As for Fox Mulder he eventually dies by autoerotic asphyxiation. Nice.

Overall a great episode of a fantastic return of a television series I have much love for.


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