Movie Remakes

The culture of remaking old, and sometimes new, movies and television shows is a culture I find a waste of the creative talent involved in such movies. Personally speaking, and I can only express my own opinion, movie remakes and reboots are as wrong as heterosexual males wearing pink.

What follows is a list of future remakes and reboots in the planning stages and my opinion of such:

Ace Ventura: I don’t understand why anyone is considering remaking such a movie it’s a unique comedy thanks to the performance of Jim Carrey attempting to replicate his anarchic antics will result in a big old dud. Now I’ve never been a fan of the Ace Ventura movies, I guess because my sense of humour, if I possess such an abstract concept, isn’t aligned to this type of comedy.

Alien Nation: A movie remake sounds, to me, a good idea and here’s why I think thusly, at the moment throughout Europe, in my home nation Britain obsessed with being outside of Europe, and also in North America and Australia, and possibly everywhere else, so called ‘natives’ are clamouring for stringent restrictions on immigration. Here in England, my home country but not nation has it’s not (at the moment) a nation, many English people blame all England’s problems on ‘bloody foreigners’ if one studies English history one would discover the English have always blamed foreigners for all Anglo-Saxon problems if it’s not been the fault of Normans then it was Scandinavians, and later England’s problems were the fault of the Scottish, the Spanish, the French, in the 20th century the English blamed Germans, and Americans, in the 21st century everything bad is the fault of Europe and Muslims. Over the Atlantic future U.S. President, Donald Trump, blames Mexicans and Muslims for all America’s ills while at the same time embracing gun culture, jingoism, and vile idiocy. An Alien Nation movie, if written well, could take all our present national hatred of immigrants and apply it very well to a story that explores such ideas from a science fiction point of view. I like stories that are relevant to my life and the world upon which I live.

The Batman: I’m a big comic book fan, in fact my favourite thing in the world is the entire comic book industry from Image and Dark Horse to the Big Two DC and Marvel. If I could spend all my waking moments immersed in comic book worlds I’d be a very happy chappy however I don’t care, at all, for comic book movies or TV shows.

Ben Hur: Apparently movies set in the fictional worlds featured in the Bible are seeing a surge in popularity, perhaps a lot of people are struggling to accept how much the world around them is changing, perhaps not for the better, and an embrace of spiritual ideas and concepts is comforting to them. I’ve never liked movies with a Biblical setting, but then I’m an Atheist, I’d enjoy movies set in a Classical Myth world or movie versions of the Mahabharata far more. Perhaps a remake of Jason and the Argonauts, though the remake of Clash of the Titans was so piss poor maybe it’s best to leave movies set in mythological worlds alone.

Big Man Japan: Is a Japanese movie and an American studio is considering a remake I don’t know why the original isn’t very good.

Big Trouble In Little China: Is damn near perfect as it is leave it alone.

The Birds: Is another movie that’s damn near perfect and a remake should not be considered.

The Black Hole: I’ve always liked the original and figure a remake will be as pointless as the sequel to Tron was.

Blade: What’s the point? A remake, or reboot, wouldn’t add anything to what we’ve already seen.

The Blob: I like the original and the Eighties remake and I guess a new version utilising this centuries computer generated effects could be pretty darn great with a good script.

Bloodsport: Why?

Blue Thunder: Who comes up with these ideas? Apparently the plan is to change from a helicopter to a drone.

Cabin Fever: The remake is already a reality but I’ve not seen the original.

Cliffhanger: Not a great movie but as far as Nineties action flicks goes it’s not so bad. I can’t see a remake being better than the original and if a remake can’t be better then why create it?

The Crow: Another remake that seems, to me, completely pointless.

Don’t Look Now: How can anyone plan such a movie? The original is of the type that should be considered sacred.

Dungeons and Dragons: I’ve never seen the original, trailers for the movie weren’t very good and I’ve heard it’s a bit wank but the idea itself is sound. There’s an evil sorcerer living in a castle atop a mountain over looking several villages in a valley below, he and his minions terrorise the villagers until a group of adventurers come along to rob him of both his wealth and life. Oh and there are dragons.

The Entity: I’ve watched the movie and read the book and though I have an interest in stories of the paranormal and supernatural I don’t buy into the reality of ghosts, hauntings or poltergeists.

Escape From New York: NOOOOOO!!!

Five Fingers of Death (King Boxer): Brett Ratner to direct NOOOOOO!!!

Flash Gordon: I enjoy, A LOT, the original movie, ‘GORDON’S ALIVE?’ I can imagine a good modern take on the character especially if it uses the original movie, and the Buster Crabbe serials, as inspiration and keep Queen’s soundtrack then I’d be happy.

Friday the 13th: Hasn’t there already been a remake? I have this idea for a movie, take a bunch of actors and actresses who have appeared together before in popular movies or TV shows, have them portray similar characters and then have Jason Voorhees chop them into little pieces.

Ghostbusters: I’ve watched the original movie at the pictures more times than I have any other movie and I’m looking forward to the new movie I like the idea of an all female team of paranormal warriors. Women are often under represented in stories even though they make up at least half of the human population.

Akira and Ghost In The Shell: NO dirty Westerners leave well alone.

The Grudge: NO just NO!

Hellraiser: Yeah I can see this turning out okay. The original movie is batshit crazy and as long as a remake remains just as crazy all will be well.

Highlander: Keep the Queen soundtrack and make a decent action flick. Don’t over think the idea keep to the original.

The Howling: I’ve watched a lot of werewolf movies and the best are An American Werewolf In London and the original Howling so I’m a little disinterested in any remake.

Logan’s Run: I can see a remake being a good idea. I suppose. If imagined properly.

The Magnificent Seven: Another damn near perfect movie so why remake it? Especially these days when westerns are rare and those that we are offered are dull beyond belief Django Unchained and The Hateful Eight for example.

Masters of the Universe: It should be possible to make a decent He-Man movie but let’s be honest the source material is shit.

Men in Black: I’ve recently watched all three MiB movies the first one’s rubbish the second abysmal and the third okay. The world if explored properly could turn out quite interesting especially if supernatural creatures were introduced into the mix like in the original comic book series. But to be honest a remake seems completely pointless.

A Nightmare On Elm Street: Has already been remade, I haven’t watched the remake, but if someone’s determined to make a new remake make it nasty. Freddy Krueger ain’t a hero, he shouldn’t be a witty quipping Deadpool type he should be a vicious evil son of a bitch (and a thousand bastards) who lives to kill kids.

Pet Sematary: I don’t want to be buried in a pet sematary I don’t want to watch that film again.

Predator: Not a remake but a sequel to the original two movies directed by Shane Black from a script by Fred Dekker sounds like a wet dream come true.

Road House: It’s either my way or Rhonda Rousey’s way. Having watched Gina Carrano in Haywire I’ve got to say the fight sequences are fantastic, because Carrano knows how to fight when she fake threw a punch it looked real unlike other fight sequences in movies, Salt for example, the fight sequences are awful.

Seven Samurai: NOOOOOOO! Is nothing sacred? Now if it uses the title but sets the movie in space with the samurai, space samurai, with lightsabers protecting some dirt farmers on an inhospitable planet and have to battle the environment and aliens, those monsters from the Alien series, I’d be super excited, but it’s not anything like I imagine.

Van Helsing: Is a terrible movie but the idea is solid, so yeah remake it could be worst than the original but I don’t know how.

The Warriors: NOOOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!

In my opinion all movies should be good, even the bad ones, and the main reason they should be good is because stories should be good. I’d much prefer all movies to be original, not remakes or reboots, not having originated in another medium comic books for example just good well written original ideas. For an example of great writing and a great movie go watch Predator starring Arnold Schwarzenegger it’s a perfect movie not one moment of naffness or daftness the beginning moments of the movie set-up everything that follows, a kick ass team of mercenaries, with varying personalities and idiosyncrasies are selected to rescue an American diplomat captured by rebel forces in a South American shithole. Almost immediately this team realises something is wrong when they find the eviscerated remains of another team of ass kickers, upon encroaching and then attacking their intended enemies Arnie’s ass kickers exterminate superior forces efficiently and expertly with only one member receiving an injury, Blain ‘I ain’t got time to bleed’. Shortly after this action packed assault the team of ass kickers is silently hunted down and one by one killed by a unique, never seen before, movie monster. Predator, is for me, not only a great example of movie making but also a great example of writing.

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