Being a fan of pop culture it’s always apparent that geeks/nerds are presented as outsiders and I’m sure in some cases it’s true in the real world. I think of myself as an outsider, I don’t get along with my fellow humans, I like being an outsider if I could I wouldn’t speak or even see another human ever again and I wouldn’t feel sad or lonely.
Naturally I don’t have many friends it’s always been hard connecting with people I’ve never felt alien instead I’ve always felt others were alien.
These feelings of being an outsider don’t cause me inner, or outer, turmoil or any kind of pain I don’t feel the need to change anything or to try and belong to anything, we are what we are and we should be happy with who and what we are. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything, it’s my desire to be an outsider, almost a choice but really it’s just a part of who I am.
I notice my outsider-ness all the time but especially when I’m around other people, work is all kinds of awkward unless I’m on a night shift all alone, travelling from one space to another is also cause for concern there’s this feeling I sometimes have that other people know I’m somehow different, an outsider, and the occasional stare from people makes it seem like they possess a supernatural ability to recognise someone different from what they are.
In the movie Midnight Special the little kid, Alton, explains that there’s a world built on top of our own and there are people there that watch us, they’ve watched us for a very long time, and that’s how I feel every day like we’re being watched from somewhere else, Highfather and the rest of The Qunitessence watching us from a higher dimension observing our interactions with each other and those dissimilar from us and perhaps judging us but without interfering.
This feeling of being watched by a higher power leads to a kind of disconnection with reality like I’m part of it but outside of it at any minute I could just disappear or fall apart into individual atoms and dissipate into the ether. This feeling has caused a few very weird experiences on regular occasions reality looks like a two dimensional image like I’m watching it on a cinema screen it’s not an altogether safe experience it happens at the most inopportune times like when I’m navigating a busy road, on one occasion it occurred when a female jogger was running towards me and she kind of jumped, you know when a movie at the pictures suffers a sudden bracing fault and the picture jumps beginning again several seconds earlier, it caused me to stare in disbelief but the female jogger probably figured I was a pervert.
But I’m not.
For some outsiders perhaps they don’t wish to be an outsider maybe they want to be part of the gang, have the sexy girlfriend/boyfriend, get invited to all the cool parties, but if people are outsiders and want those kinds of things they’ve obviously got to change who they are and then work at being someone different though why they’d want to be someone different is beyond me people should just be happy with who they are regardless of what anyone else, and society, thinks.
Being an outsider builds character, or so I choose to believe, and also self-reliance, being an outsider there’s no one I can rely on for anything, no one I can ask for a hand when I fall, and I like that knowing that when the worst times hit there’s no one to lean on I’ve got to steady myself and be strong enough to carry on, I like that anything I achieve is just that my achievement without anyone else able to share credit, that when moments of complete loneliness occur, and those moments occur for everyone, instead of being afraid I’m instead all embracing of those wonderful moments.
There’s nothing wrong with being an outsider like there’s nothing wrong with being homosexual, overweight, uncool, good at something, useless at most things these worlds we live in are false created to trap us and keep us from being who we are and who we want to be.
We have to break free.