Movie Madness June 2017


 I watched most of the following movies during night shifts at my place of employ. I enjoy the fact I can watch movies while I’m at work it makes work less like work and more like being at home. Some of the folks I work with, day time staff, are under the impression that during my night shifts I get my head down and go to sleep, they don’t believe that I can happily spend an entire night watching movie after movie after movie and never get bored or tired. I’m a geek/nerd I’m never bored and very rarely feel tired.

You can’t tell people though, have you ever noticed that? Once people make the decision to believe a certain thing is fact it’s impossible, almost, to prove them wrong. People just have to have their own way and view reality through their own, sometimes narrow blinkered, eyes. I’ve given up trying to tell people, ‘I stay awake throughout the entirety of my shift watching movies, mostly horror movies from my personal collection. I have over 700, and I’m always buying more, I always have something to keep my mind occupied’.

Some people can’t see that we’re not all the same, we don’t think or behave the same. Some of us wish to be as individual as is humanly possible and not join in the sheep like herd. I enjoy watching three, sometimes four, movies during a night shift, and if I could persuade my boss to relegate me to permanent nights I’d be extremely happy, so happy I’d dance.

I never dance.

I’m starting to run out of movies to buy there aren’t enough movies out there in movie land that I can happily waste a few hours enjoying. I prefer horror movies, or action movies featuring monsters as the antagonist. I’m a sucker for monster movies and I hate when they turn out bad.

Anyways, here’s my list:

1 Wolf Guy: A movie I’d never seen before and one that I had read good things about, one reviewer claiming it was like Wolverine comic book stories when the character is in Madripoor pretending to be a character named Patch. It wasn’t, instead it’s really poor.

2 Matrix Revolutions: I enjoyed, once again, Revolutions.

3 House: I hadn’t seen this movie since the Eighties, now it’s not necessarily bad but it is a mess.

4 Surrogates: Shit!

5 Resident Evil: Not a good movie but it killed some time.

6 Resident Evil: Apocalypse: Again not good.

7 Resident Evil: Extinction: Still not good.

8 Resident Evil: Afterlife: Not getting any better.

9 Resident Evil: Retribution: Pushing in to terrible territory.

10 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter: Terrible. The movie series had potential. The first movie could have been a tight action horror movie about a squad of elite assholes, think those guys from Predator, having to fight their way out of a locked down facility full of zombies. The sequels could have focussed on the super powered Alice and been superhero versus the zombie apocalypse, but no, instead they’re just shit.

11 Hard To Kill: Awful, truly awful.

12 Out For Justice: Bad but not as bad as Hard To Kill.

13 Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang: Fun.

14 The Long Kiss Goodnight: More fun.

15 The Warriors: Classic.

16 Zulu: Entertaining and educational.

17 Planet of the Apes: The Charlton Heston original. Fantastic movie, get your stinkin’ paws off my guns you damn dirty liberal leftie assholes.

18 Jurassic World: My favourite of the Jurassic movies. I thought I’d hate it I did not.

19 War On Everyone: Pathetic.

20 Fast and Furious 7: Drive Furiouser: I’m no fan of this movie franchise. In my opinion the stories are poor, the characters weak and the acting dreadful but I do like, in the more recent additions to the series, the fact these characters have super powers. They can make their cars defy gravity and smash each other through walls with their super strength and nigh invulnerability. The fight sequences, over the top, make the Marvel and DC movies look pedestrian. In this movie Vin Diesel’s forgettable character stamps his foot during a fight with The Stath, the stamp of the foot causes the weakened floor of a car park to collapse sending The Stath plummeting to the ground far below, that stamp requires super power and The Stath’s ability to survive the fall, with huge broken blocks of concrete falling all round him, means his character had super tough skin and a healing factor.

21 The Man From Nowhere: Excellent South Korean badassery.

22 Sword Master: Kind of a remake of Death Duel but nowhere near as good.

23 Call of Heroes: Enjoyable.

24 Push: I like the way super powers in Push don’t make a person special, there’s no tights and underwear, capes blowing in the breeze. Instead people with super powers live grungy filthy mostly criminal lives.

25 Evil Dead: The remake of the original. I hated it at the cinema didn’t mind it on blu-ray.

26 City of the Living Dead: I thought this movie was going to be gloriously gory in a mucky kind of way I was left bitterly disappointed.

27 The Beyond: See above.

28 Children of Men: This is the way I want our world to go. No more kids. End of the human world. FUCK YEAH!

29 Omega Man: I often wish I was Omega Man in a Los Angeles devoid of people.

30 Shoot ‘Em Up: Daft, but enjoyable daft.

31 Hot Tub Time Machine: If I can’t have the apocalypse can I please have going back in time and waking up in my teenage boy body? Thank you.

32 A Million Ways To Die In The West: I’m no fan of Family Guy but I really enjoyed this and I’m looking forward to The Orville.

33 Predator: What a fantastic movie.

34 Predator 2: What a good movie.

35 Predators: What a silly piece of crap, but an enjoyable piece of crap.


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